Diary 13th Sept - Friday 13th Oooooo Superstitious!

Time to be truthful. I've been banging on about being in pain for ages, truth is I haven't moved out of bed for about a week now except to go to the toilet and then for my scans yesterday. I'm tired, I'm aching, I'm in pain and I'm getting weaker by the day. Mentally I'm remaining strong, physically my body is clearly just hating on me at the moment. Doctors have no clue what's going on although I will be getting a referral to Gynaecology on Thursday where I will hopefully have a laparoscopy done to find out what's going on. My legs are burning and throbbing,  I have persistent 'pulling' kind of pains, I'm tired and I just generally have no energy. I'm still eating but even my meals are having to be spoon fed as I have grown so weak. Just for the record, I've been typing this for 30 minutes already. I don't want sympathy or anything, I'm just apologising for the lack of posts/long posts and explaining the reasons why. Everything just aches and hurts and painkillers aren't doing a thing.

On my last diary entry post (11th September) I wrote about being dropped on my bum by professionals. Well I had a letter today and I now have an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist and ED nurse on 26th September which has annoyed me a little because I haven't even seen anyone and now all of a sudden I have that meeting. It's the meeting I was told would happen if I refused treatment/wouldn't comply and needed to be admitted to hospital either voluntarily or under the mental health act again. I'm hoping it's all just some massive misunderstanding because I have left several calls and messages to which none of them have been replied to. I'm scared about the appointment but then again I don't really have much reason to be because I've still been gaining and on my bad days I make sure I eat enough to at least maintain. To be honest, the way I've been feeling recently anyway and the fact I haven't seen anybody for ages it would have been really easy for me just to plummet in weight because nobody has been there to monitor it. I've fought my way through on my own though and you know what? I'm PROUD of that. I've felt terrible physically and still kept my mental strength up. 

Life is a rollercoaster, it has its ups and downs but you just have to make sure you stay on the track and don't fall off. Besides, imagine looking back at some point in the future and thinking "WOW, I really was a lot stronger than I thought!" You may feel weak but one day you won't feel the way you do right now. Right here, right this second, you can begin to turn things around. Every second of the day is a new chance to turn things around. If you keep looking for "the perfect moment" you will never find it. You could always find more reasons to justify staying the way you are when you feel hopeless so you may as well begin now. Begin now, start with a smile and push forward. Push past the obstacles and the barriers than get in your way, step over them jump over them go around them or through them as long as you leave them behind you.

Quote of the day - "You are loved, you are lovely and you are not alone."

Keeley. xx