Diary 11th Sept - Fighting Alone

I've pretty much came to the conclusion that I'm fighting alone again without the aid of professional input. I haven't heard from my social worker despite several calls and messages being left for her and I haven't heard from my ED nurse for 5 weeks either, again despite several calls and messages being left. Nobody has gotten back to me so I'll just keep plodding along by myself and doing what I can. I'm managing, I'm okay. I'm not going to lie and say everything is fantastic and I'm doing really well because it is a daily struggle. However it is a daily struggle that I can and will get through. It doesn't matter how you get through the day as long as you get through it. I'm not sure whether any of you remember one of my previous posts about getting through the days which you feel you can no longer endure but it is true. So far my success rate is 100% and I fully intend to keep it that way! I still have my support at home so that's something. It's just my chance to prove myself.

Recovery isn't easy, it's difficult but it will be worth it. There's a life out there for everybody and one that is well worth fighting through the dark days for. I've had my taster of it, I left hospital and got a job, began walking again, exercised healthily, enjoyed food without unbearable guilt. Then it crept back in a little which resulted in things going wrong. To be completely honest, I'm tired of the stigma of being "mentally unwell" and that alone is something I remind myself on my off days. I'm tired of the looks and the stares from random passers by, although I'm not entirely sure why on earth I get them as I look loads better than I did. I guess some people are just judgemental but hey that's there choice, I'm not recovering for the sake of anybody else I am doing it for me. People can say and think what they like, this is my life, my mindset, and I'm damn well fighting to get back to a sense of normality again. 

I have my Ultrasound tomorrow for the scan of my ovaries. I'm really nervous now as it's only 9 hours away (it's 23:36pm here in the UK at this very moment). I woke up this morning with a horrible pain in my groin and kind of felt something just "drop", now I have a nice big lump which has grown throughout the day and become extremely tender and sore. It's the same pain/pressure I get when the cysts in my ovaries burst but never have I had a great big lump like this one. I was going to go to the doctors but didn't really see the point as they would just tell me to wait and see what gets said during my Ultrasound tomorrow so that's what I'm going to do. I won't get the results straight away but they tell you anyway if there's cysts visible (which I already know there is because I had one not that long ago) and then they measure them on the screen and see how many there are. I'm just intrigued as to know what on earth that lump is and if it is a cyst, then how big it is! Mighty big one if it is another cyst, which is really nerve racking and quite upsetting to be honest because mine are IN my ovaries not ON them, so if that one bursts my ovary is going with it too. It's just one of those things I guess, there's nothing I can do about it I just have to wait and see what gets said tomorrow and what gets said when I get the results back so as hard as it is there's no point stressing over the unknown. In fact, more often than not the unknown is actually so much worse than actually knowing!  

So that's it from me this evening, I'll keep you all posted on how tomorrow goes :).

Quote of the day = "Life is a series of steps. Things are done gradually. Once in a while there is a giant step, but most of the time we are taking small, seemingly insignificant steps on the stairway of life."

Keeley. xx