Update

As of Monday/Tuesday I will actually be able to update daily again, at the moment I can only do it as and when my 3G signal is on as I have no wifi at home now. 

The packing is pretty much done now which is horrible to see, it's stressing me out with things being put in the bin that shouldn't be and I kind of slipped back into the mindset of "oh my life I swear everyone is out to get me" but I'm trying to work past that. There's all these new 'rules' for the new house. Such as we all eat the same meal at the same time in the same room. NOT HAPPENING. I never eat the same as everyone else, I have specific times I eat and the new dining room is flipping horrendous. It's seriously like my worst nightmare. We have been eating tea out for the last two days and apparently will be doing so until Monday. I'm not doing it. Once is okay, yesterday was following an argument about it but now to throw all those other days at me on top of everything else is just plain ridiculous. I swear people forget I actually have an eating disorder.

Apart from that, I'm fan dabby dozy! A little spaced out from the Quetiapine but still functioning (just about, haha)!

I'll update when I can, stay strong lovelies :)

"No road is long with good company"

Keeley. xx 

Quick update whilst I'm out and my 3G is working!

Just had the appointment with my ed nurse & psychiatrist. It was horrible, I cried and it takes a lot for me to cry. I wasn't admitted though and they didn't mention admission. I thought they were all giving up on me to be honest, they did actually say they have no clue what to do with me because I push people away too much when they try to help. Anyway, they've gave me another antipsychotic called Quetiapine just to help calm my anxieties whilst the move is happening and to help me sleep at night. It's only a low dose, no biggie. I have another appointment to see them at the end of October anyway for another review where hopefully we will be able to start working back up again as I will have faced my main anxieties that are impacti on my eating at the moment. I'm about to lose 3G, I'll update when I can! Big love to you all xxxxx

Diary 24th Sept - Helllooooooooooooooooo! I'M STILL HERE HAHA.

Oh my life. I don't know where to start, haha. My wifi has been playing up so I was updating my blog on my phone originally, now my charger has broken (why did Apple decide to change the iPhone 5 chargers?! Talk about being awkward, lol!) so I have another one on the way in the post. Now my wifi is working so I'm updating now whilst I can, apologies if it's all a bit all over the place at the moment.

 My days are packed right now, quite literally. Still sorting out everything with the house ready to move next week and running about here then and everywhere to Ikea, Next, B&Q, Starbucks (everybody needs coffee to function, hahaha) and different shops to get household things from. I've got lots for my room now and I'm looking forward to sorting it out. I'm still scared about the move, I'm just a bit more accepting of it now. It's going to happen either way and there is nothing I can do to change it so I've just got to put up and shut up and make the transition as easy as possible.

I've revamped my lifestyle too, and I actually feel a tiny bit better for it! I've quit smoking (difficult to do but I'm actually fine! Haven't had a cigarette for 3 days) and changed all my diet around so I have wheat/gluten/dairy free foods and drinks to help with inflammation from what is suspected to be endometriosis. My mood is a lot more settled since I've quit smoking, my pain is on a tolerable level *touch wood* for the moment and I'm not getting ridiculously bloated from inflammation after eating and drinking. I'm a happy little bean!

Had my appointment at the eye hospital this morning, been referred AGAIN to Orthoptics so they can examine the muscles in my eyes. They have decided they are either too weak or too strained and that's what is causing all of my headaches, double vision, lack of focus etc. So that's something else that will hopefully be sorted soon. 

Everything is on the up! I hope you are all battling through daily struggles and remaining strong :).

Quote of the day = "Be strong now 'cause things will get better, it might be stormy now but it can't rain forever."

Keeley. xx

Diary 21st Sept - Achieving

GUESS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT?! LIQUID CALORIES! So my friend came round, it was a Friday night and I thought 'hmm, I fancy a drink!' so we went round to Tesco and bought some alcohol. I was actually proud of myself for a couple of reasons:

1 - Liquid calories are a big fear

2 - I used to drink far too much as a way of coping, last night I just had two cans of Strongbow Pear Cider and drank those over the space of 4 hours, instead of drinking 1L in 5 minutes.

It was a really nice evening, it was good to just sit and have a giggle and a chat and a catch up in general. I actually did something a 'normal' (whatever that is) person of my age would do and I did it safely and I was happy. I didn't get drunk either, I just had two over the course of the evening and I was absolutely fine. AH I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF. 

I'm not condoning drinking in any way shape or form, it's just that it's been such a huge fear of mine for quite a while now and I managed it absolutely fine no problem. I did it to enjoy myself, not to numb the pain as I used to. I'm rambling away, I'm good at that haha.

That little thing with the feather (previous post) has been making me smile throughout the day too, I just thought it was lovely. 

I had a massssssssive fear food for tea which I even managed in front of people I'm not 100% comfortable eating in front of so tend to avoid around mealtimes. But I still did it.

THEN I HAD LEMON CAKE AS DESSERT. ANOTHER FEAR. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

I'm far too excitable (again) today, haha. My emotions are finally *touch wood* settled after the Micronor leaving my system. I'm just a happy little bunny today.

I hope you all are too :)!

Quote of the day = "Courage is the power of the mind to overcome fear." - Martin Luther King.

Keeley. xx

Hope

I was sat on my doorstep talking on the phone to my Dad telling him about my physical health problems, implications, worries and concerns etc, when this feather fell from I don't know where and hit me on my hand then rested gently in my lap. I was sat with my back against the door and a roof above my head and it fell straight from somewhere up above me. It couldn't have came from infront of me otherwise I'd have seen it as I was looking out onto the road. Daddy thinks I have a guardian angel watching over me :). 

I feel really hopeful, safe and peaceful right now. I thought I'd share this moment with you all. It's the little things in life that make me smile. 

So strange looking back on these, not sure how I feel at the moment! Pleased I'm not needing NG feeds now :)

Diary 20th Sept - Today's Day

I've just been looking at stuff for my new bedroom today. I didn't end up going shopping because my pain decided to make a reappearance which was a pain in the backside! The joys of what's to come at the end of the month, lol. 

I have an old friend coming over again any time now for a catch up which will be lovely, nice to have some company of an evening when everybody else is out. Sometimes I like being on my own, others I don't. To be honest, I don't like actually being 'on my own' as such. Just when I feel like I want to be alone I will sit by myself alone in the house but still when others are around. I really do not like being physically alone with absolute silence. 

I had a lovely chat with my Nan on the phone earlier too, she's giving me some of the stuff that she had in her old house from when I was little which will be lovely. I loved that house so so much so it'll be lovely to have little memories of both my nan and granddad, and the house too.  Except in my bedroom this time :)! It's going to be very comforting. 

I've been in a really sensible mood today, I've spoke about things sensibly without getting upset (regarding the laparoscopy etc) and haven't completely burst out crying over it. I mean, I'm 19. I should be working or at university, or travelling the world or something. Seeing things and going to places, enjoying social events. Instead I'm sat here daily trying to figure out the ways of how I will actually settle down and have my own family one day. That's not something I wanted to be doing until I'd travelled and became financially stable. Now I can't do any of that at the moment because of physical and mental health purposes, so I sit here with my thoughts rattling around about how I can actually make my dreams come true. In all honesty though I am quite proud of myself, I could have just took this as my opportunity to fail and give up completely. Sink back into depression and isolate myself away from everyone and everything. I haven't though, I've sat and used my time in a fairly productive way, figuring out my future and what I want to be doing and whether it's ever going to be actually possible to do it. Anything is possible though, sometimes you just have to take a different route to get to where you want to be. Nothing is impossible, even the word itself spells "I'm-possible."

Quote of the day = "Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes."

Keeley. xx

Diary 19th Sept - HAPPY!

Okay so I know it's a really weird thing to be happy about but it's such a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders! I just got back from the doctors regarding my scan results again. I've had a referral to gynaecology for 8th October with one of the top gynaecologists in my area and we will be discussing the laparoscopy and how/when things will be done. I FINALLY GOT SOMEWHERE YAY! For all I know, maybe it's just me getting my hopes up, but maybe I won't even have a painful period next month! I don't even know whether I'll have one at all depending on where they find the endometriosis because if it's my ovaries etc they'll all be removed/burnt so we will see. It's strange to be happy about it and kind of selfish I guess, but my menstruation is absolutely ridiculous and yeah I just, I don't know, I'm just so flipping happy that things are getting sorted and moving fast so soon! I could have saw someone before the 8th October but my Doctor booked me in with the best one. I know I always say it, but my GP is actually a flipping STAR! I'm saying "flipping" a lot, I'm that happy I could swear but hey I'll refrain from doing that on here haha. 

I've also been shopping for carpet and stuff for my bedroom today. I'm still really scared and nervous about it but things have settled a lot since we all had the "heated debate" shall we say, the other night. It does seem to have cleared the air a lot and my reasons behind being so scared and agitated about the move have finally been listened to and now I'm being helped. I won't actually be moving in at the same time as everyone else. We have the house I am in now until 4th October so I'll be going then at the latest. It's just until my room actually 'looks' like a bedroom and the wardrobe and furniture etc is in. I'm actually (I hate to admit it) getting quite excited now. I'm just all excitable in general tonight, things are finally moving in the right direction.

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS!!!!!! :D

Quote of the day = "Happiness is a journey, not a destination." 

Keeley. xx

Diary 18th Sept - Triggered

This evening I went out for tea (scary) but managed okay. I came back and had to sort out loads of forms from when I was an inpatient ready to be photocopied for benefits letters. It's really triggered me, I'm sat here like almost crying. I went on Facebook to try and distract myself and then saw photos of girls with NG Feeding Tubes and now I'm just numb but almost crying. Obviously I don't want to go back to that point where I needed NG feeding to save my life but I still find it difficult to see because its just a reminder of how I was. I guess I should be proud because I'm not like that now, I think it's just reminded me of how much weight I gained whilst in inpatient hospitals and especially seeing my weight charts. I'm just, meh. I don't know. My weight chart needed two pages :-(! I'm just ranting I'm going to make a coffee. I need a cuddle.

Quote of the day = "Forget where you were, focus on what is most important. Your life, your health and your being."

Keeley. xx

Update

I've been to look around the new house this morning, it was quite stressful doing it to be honest. Everything was just empty which got me quite annoyed because I was told the wardrobes and stuff would be in the bedrooms. I know that sounds like I'm being a spoilt brat but I'm genuinely not. It scared me because I associate empty rooms and spaces with instability because change and upheaval really scares me. 

I found out what that letter I had from my psychiatrist and ED nurse was for. It is my review meeting where medication and things will be discussed, my treatment will be reviewed with regards to if I need to be admitted to hospital etc. I won't be being admitted though I hope, I've gained weight since I was last weighed and as I haven't seen anybody since I was last weighed surely that must work in my favour. 

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to review the results of my scans again and to see where to go from there. A referral to gynaecology and a laparoscopy procedure is what I am hoping for. My doctor is really understanding and helpful though, I have regular meetings with him and I really appreciate how he has kept time to see me despite cutting his hours down so much due to retirement. He is fantastic, bless him. "Good old Dr P!" is what I always say when coming out of speaking with him! 

I haven't posted much on evenings for the last few days because I've been really tired and falling asleep ridiculously early and then when I've woke up it's been 3-4am and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. I've tried staying awake but I literally just can't stop myself from falling asleep early! At least I'm sleeping though I guess. It bugs me because professionals have said to me I need to get "better sleep hygiene" and "stop listening to obsessive thoughts and just sleep" like it's actually that easy!! Please excuse me whilst I grab the remote that syncs with my brain and just press the "power off" button. Haha, I could do with one of those sometimes actually! Couldn't we all?! 

I feel like I'm writing an absolute essay now, infact I've just been asked if I'm writing an essay because of the speed I am writing it all. My pain management has improved (for now) to the point where I can actually get out of bed and move around more. Going to look around the new house today was the first time I have been out in a couple of weeks to somewhere and actually stood around. That's probably why I fell asleep for two hours when I got back! It just exhausts me.

Anyway, essay over. I'll do another update this evening! :) 

Keeley. xx

Beautiful Song xx

Diary 16th Sept - University

A lot of hurtful things were said last night, and I mean A LOT. But hopefully it will have cleared the air a little in the long run.

I find this time of year really difficult with everyone going off to university. Either people I went to school with going in to their second year or people just beginning. I didn't go to 6th form or college due to being in hospital and it gets me quite upset now seeing so many people going off and doing things whilst I'm still sat here doing nothing. I've wasted so much of my life, at a part of my life which would have decided my future but I wasn't around to do any of it. It just makes me sad, yet I sort of want to cry to everyone and beg them not to waste so much of their life with mental illness the way I did because I ruined my career and future with mine. There's something out there for everyone though, I just have to find my purpose.

Quote of the day = "Spend your life with who makes you happy, not who you feel you have to impress." 

Keeley. xx

HAHAHAHAHA :') 

Diary 14th Sept - ...

Bored out of my skull drifting in and out of sleep all day. I'm having some kind of CSI marathon though, got alllll of the series from series one to the recent one and this set has 15.3hours on it so that'll keep me entertained lol! I had a bath earlier, I had to have my hair washed for me but hey it was nice to actually get in the bath. Now I'm just tired again. I'm also rambling.

Quote of the day = "Never be ashamed of a scar, it simply means that you are stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."

Keeley. xx

Rebuilding Strength And Immunity

Protein from yoghurt & vitamins from orange, banana & apple. My immune system needs a kick up the back side.

TESCO! (Every little helps) 

;) 

Diary 13th Sept - Friday 13th Oooooo Superstitious!

Time to be truthful. I've been banging on about being in pain for ages, truth is I haven't moved out of bed for about a week now except to go to the toilet and then for my scans yesterday. I'm tired, I'm aching, I'm in pain and I'm getting weaker by the day. Mentally I'm remaining strong, physically my body is clearly just hating on me at the moment. Doctors have no clue what's going on although I will be getting a referral to Gynaecology on Thursday where I will hopefully have a laparoscopy done to find out what's going on. My legs are burning and throbbing,  I have persistent 'pulling' kind of pains, I'm tired and I just generally have no energy. I'm still eating but even my meals are having to be spoon fed as I have grown so weak. Just for the record, I've been typing this for 30 minutes already. I don't want sympathy or anything, I'm just apologising for the lack of posts/long posts and explaining the reasons why. Everything just aches and hurts and painkillers aren't doing a thing.

On my last diary entry post (11th September) I wrote about being dropped on my bum by professionals. Well I had a letter today and I now have an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist and ED nurse on 26th September which has annoyed me a little because I haven't even seen anyone and now all of a sudden I have that meeting. It's the meeting I was told would happen if I refused treatment/wouldn't comply and needed to be admitted to hospital either voluntarily or under the mental health act again. I'm hoping it's all just some massive misunderstanding because I have left several calls and messages to which none of them have been replied to. I'm scared about the appointment but then again I don't really have much reason to be because I've still been gaining and on my bad days I make sure I eat enough to at least maintain. To be honest, the way I've been feeling recently anyway and the fact I haven't seen anybody for ages it would have been really easy for me just to plummet in weight because nobody has been there to monitor it. I've fought my way through on my own though and you know what? I'm PROUD of that. I've felt terrible physically and still kept my mental strength up. 

Life is a rollercoaster, it has its ups and downs but you just have to make sure you stay on the track and don't fall off. Besides, imagine looking back at some point in the future and thinking "WOW, I really was a lot stronger than I thought!" You may feel weak but one day you won't feel the way you do right now. Right here, right this second, you can begin to turn things around. Every second of the day is a new chance to turn things around. If you keep looking for "the perfect moment" you will never find it. You could always find more reasons to justify staying the way you are when you feel hopeless so you may as well begin now. Begin now, start with a smile and push forward. Push past the obstacles and the barriers than get in your way, step over them jump over them go around them or through them as long as you leave them behind you.

Quote of the day - "You are loved, you are lovely and you are not alone."

Keeley. xx

Diary 11th Sept - Fighting Alone

I've pretty much came to the conclusion that I'm fighting alone again without the aid of professional input. I haven't heard from my social worker despite several calls and messages being left for her and I haven't heard from my ED nurse for 5 weeks either, again despite several calls and messages being left. Nobody has gotten back to me so I'll just keep plodding along by myself and doing what I can. I'm managing, I'm okay. I'm not going to lie and say everything is fantastic and I'm doing really well because it is a daily struggle. However it is a daily struggle that I can and will get through. It doesn't matter how you get through the day as long as you get through it. I'm not sure whether any of you remember one of my previous posts about getting through the days which you feel you can no longer endure but it is true. So far my success rate is 100% and I fully intend to keep it that way! I still have my support at home so that's something. It's just my chance to prove myself.

Recovery isn't easy, it's difficult but it will be worth it. There's a life out there for everybody and one that is well worth fighting through the dark days for. I've had my taster of it, I left hospital and got a job, began walking again, exercised healthily, enjoyed food without unbearable guilt. Then it crept back in a little which resulted in things going wrong. To be completely honest, I'm tired of the stigma of being "mentally unwell" and that alone is something I remind myself on my off days. I'm tired of the looks and the stares from random passers by, although I'm not entirely sure why on earth I get them as I look loads better than I did. I guess some people are just judgemental but hey that's there choice, I'm not recovering for the sake of anybody else I am doing it for me. People can say and think what they like, this is my life, my mindset, and I'm damn well fighting to get back to a sense of normality again. 

I have my Ultrasound tomorrow for the scan of my ovaries. I'm really nervous now as it's only 9 hours away (it's 23:36pm here in the UK at this very moment). I woke up this morning with a horrible pain in my groin and kind of felt something just "drop", now I have a nice big lump which has grown throughout the day and become extremely tender and sore. It's the same pain/pressure I get when the cysts in my ovaries burst but never have I had a great big lump like this one. I was going to go to the doctors but didn't really see the point as they would just tell me to wait and see what gets said during my Ultrasound tomorrow so that's what I'm going to do. I won't get the results straight away but they tell you anyway if there's cysts visible (which I already know there is because I had one not that long ago) and then they measure them on the screen and see how many there are. I'm just intrigued as to know what on earth that lump is and if it is a cyst, then how big it is! Mighty big one if it is another cyst, which is really nerve racking and quite upsetting to be honest because mine are IN my ovaries not ON them, so if that one bursts my ovary is going with it too. It's just one of those things I guess, there's nothing I can do about it I just have to wait and see what gets said tomorrow and what gets said when I get the results back so as hard as it is there's no point stressing over the unknown. In fact, more often than not the unknown is actually so much worse than actually knowing!  

So that's it from me this evening, I'll keep you all posted on how tomorrow goes :).

Quote of the day = "Life is a series of steps. Things are done gradually. Once in a while there is a giant step, but most of the time we are taking small, seemingly insignificant steps on the stairway of life."

Keeley. xx

Sorry

Sorry no post yesterday, this is how I feel and it's hurting to move AGAIN. Finally got my scan tomorrow, thank The Lord. 

Diary 9th Sept - Thoughts & Actions

Not a lot has really happened since I updated you all earlier. I've had impulsions but haven't acted on them. I've had compulsions and acted on SOME. My compulsions are just silly little things like tapping objects a certain number of times and keep tapping until it "feels okay." I can't really explain, I know it sounds silly but when I think about it it makes me shiver! I literally just shivered even just writing about them. AND AGAIN. Haha, right yeah I'll change the subject. 

My mood today has been fairly settled, although my anger issues seem to be cropping up a bit at the moment. I've spoke to professionals about it and they have said it's just because of my fear of change so I am extra sensitive at the moment and snappy. I can be fine and settled then someone will say the wrong thing or comment on whatever I do (seems to be the way recently) and I'll just snap at them. Then I get angry and shaky and just generally really frustrated. It does make my BPD play up too, and my OCD and also my Anorexia. They all kind of get hell bent on making me agitated. My BPD makes my mood just switch (again, this was settled but it's cropping up now because of the move), which then makes my OCD play up because I get anxious, which in turn makes my Anorexia play me up because I get the whole "If you don't eat it'll make everything better, you'll be in control" but that's really not the way it works. You think you're in control when really it's in control of you. However I am still eating enough to maintain, I calm down eventually without doing anything destructive and my OCD, well that's just compulsions and I often do them without realising. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I am working on the compulsions that I am aware that I have but others I don't even realise I do until somebody else points it out. Eventually I will work on the ones that I am less aware of, which will be difficult because if I'm not aware I'm doing them then how am I supposed to stop myself?! Oh well, cross that bridge when it comes to it I guess :). 

Quote of the day = "We are all strangers to our hidden potential until we confront problems that reveal our true capabilities." 

Keeley. xx

Sorry!

Apologies that there was no blog post yesterday/diary update, my WI-FI was down and 3G on my phone was going havoc and switching itself on and off as and when it wanted to so I left it in the end. 

The house is pretty much all in boxes and bags now, which is quite upsetting but I'm okay. Not long until we move now... Have to stay strong! Change and upheaval has always been a massive fear of mine as I like consistency, I get really stressed out when everything gets moved and packed and everything is everywhere. I think it just upsets me a little because I've lived my life out of bags and boxes for far too long now. Either through constant moving houses, moving out of places and into others, going into hospital and being transferred etc. I just want somewhere where I can finally settle! I thought I had found that here, but now we are moving from here to another place. 

I'm rambling on, I'm just sat in the lounge watching more boxes being packed. I don't want anything to do with the move or helping pack or anything. Not because I'm lazy, just because as I said - I hate things being in bags and boxes and everything everywhere and all over the place. 

I'm going to stop there but that's just a quick update for you. 

I got accepted onto the Health Sciences degree too! :) Something to look forward to. I begin in February. 

Keeley. xx

Diary 7th Sept - Decisions

Pretty tough decisions have been made today. In a nut shell, after several tears myself and **** have decided to put the weight restoration process on hold for a while. I have been getting extremely stressed out with having to gain weight but it going up and down then up a bit down more back up bla bla bla, then the issues with my ovaries/suspected Endometriosis. My weight constantly fluctuating through my panicking when I gain what I see as "too much" in one go causes me to then lose it all again plus more because it scares me how fast I can actually gain. Anyway, my weight doing that is causing my health to deteriorate further. So we have decided that I can control my diet (she's going to trust me to manage it myself) and I have to maintain at the best. If I gain, even better, but I'm not allowed to drop anymore because obviously further weight loss will cause more health problems. This needs to be ran by with my ED nurse of course, which to be honest she will probably laugh at the idea, but for now until I next see her that's how we are going to do things. I will also be getting spot weighed at home. I'm not giving up on recovery at all, I'm not giving up on the process of it. I just feel that putting it on hold even if it is just for a few days where I can maintain my weight will relieve some of the stress I am having from my health issues. It all built up a lot and it was dragging me down so we agreed for now to see how things go. I'm nervous of course as I could use it to my advantage and just lose weight and lie about everything. In the long run however that is only going to make things worse so I won't do that. I just need all of my scans and everything out of the way before I can fully focus on what else needs to be done. Please don't think I'm giving up and I've lost motivation because hand on heart that is NOT the reason at all. It is actually so I have more mental energy to focus on my health which needs to be sorted first and foremost. I'm still recovering, I will still continue to move forward in my recovery, I'm just going to maintain for a while and see how that goes in regards to helping my health. I'm a fighter, I'm a warrior & I'm a soldier, I will NOT be giving up :). 

None of the above will be affecting me supporting all of you out there though, not in the slightest! None of your struggles or anything you wish to talk about are a burden to me in the slightest. I love helping others, I just meant it all in regards to weight restoration and my health. Nothing else will be changing at all and I am still completely mentally strong enough to guide you all! That I promise you. 

Now I'm off to watch a film and snuggle up on the sofa with my blanket, nice relaxing evening!

Quote of the day = "a real person isn't perfect, and a perfect person isn't real."

Keeley. xx

Guide To Being Anorexic - A Parable (Not mine, but I wish someone had told me this before I developed Anorexia at aged 10)

Reprinted from Eating Disorders Recovery Today
Summer 2002 Volume 1, Number 2
©2002 Gürze Books

This is the story of Heather, a 13-year-old girl who wanted to become anorexic. Naturally being 17 and having dealt with it in my past, I was all too happy to lend her my advice. "Give me a day with her," I told Heather's mother, who was worried sick. She agreed.

"I hear you want to become anorexic," I said as we drove to my place. "Yeah, so what? Don't try to tell me all the bad things about it and how it will kill me and . . . "

"Oh no. You've got me all wrong. I'm here to welcome you into the club!" She looked at me with shock and amazement.

"What are you talking about?"

"I said I'm here to welcome you to the club. I was anorexic once. Now I just recruit new girls."

When we got to my place I gave her a pen and paper. "Now write down everything you enjoy and love in life." She looked at me blankly. "Go ahead." She did as I told her.

While she was writing, the phone rang. It was Shawna. She and Nikki were going out for pizza and wanted to know if I would come. I told them about Heather and that I wanted her to come, too. They said fine and I got ready to go.

"All done," she said.

"Let's see. You've got friends, family, and guys. Is that all? Let's put down life and your future too. Okay?" She nodded. "Now we're going out with some of my friends to eat pizza. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," she said smiling. I slipped the paper into my purse as we left for the pizza place.

When we arrived, Shawna and Nikki were waiting a a table with the pizza. We sat down and I reached for a slice. Heather also reached for one. "You can't do that remember? You're anorexic," I said to her pushing back her hand.

"But you're eating!" she exclaimed.

"That's beside the point. Anyway, I just recruit anorexics now, I'm not one."

"UH!" She slouched back in her chair. In a few minutes, five young teens walked in. They all seemed to recognize Heather and came over. "Hey!" she exclaimed.

"Are you Heather's friends?" I asked.

"Yeah. You wanna sit with us, Heather?" one of them asked. Heather started to get up but I held her arm.

"I'm sorry but she can't hang out with you," I said returning to my pizza.

"Why?" one of the others exclaimed.

"Because she's anorexic now and she can't have friends," I said.

"What are you talking about?" Heather shouted.

"No need to get upset. You may as well start out right. Anorexics don't have time for friends. Do they Nikki?"

"No, you didn't have time for us when you were anorexic," Nikki agreed.

"Sorry Heather, but anorexia is your only friend now. You want to stay thin don't you?" She lowered her head.

On the drive home I went very slowly. We passed a couple on a bridge kissing softly. "You see that Heather?"

"Yeah."

"Well, mark guys off your list. You won't have any now."

"Don't anorexics have boyfriends?"

"Some do. But they don't really have time for love. They're too busy thinking about their weight."

An old woman

Then we passed an old woman sitting on her front porch. "Look, Heather. At least you won't have to worry about being like that." I said.

"But she looks happy," Heather said.

"True but you won't be happy or old."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You'll die before you're old enough to even have a future. Speaking of which, get that piece of paper out of my purse, will you?" She did as I asked. "Okay. Now take the pen in the dashboard and mark off friends, guys, life, and future." She looked up at me.

"All that's left is family!"

I looked at her. "Mark that off, too."

"WHAT!" She screamed.

"Well you can't expect to love them can you?" I said.

"I love my family, okay? And if you can't deal with that I don't care!" She began banging her fist into the door. By that time I had stopped in front of her house.

"But you won't have time for them."

"Don't tell me that because I will! I will have time and you know why? Because you're crazy! Being thin isn't worth all that!" She yelled as she got out of the car and slammed the door.

That's the story of how Heather found out about anorexia. (Not a true story but it's something I wish had happened to me before I became anorexic.)

...

Getting annoyedddddd! I really want to go swimming or running or go and play tennis or something! Not even to burn calories, I just want to go and do a form of physical activity in an enjoyable way so when I am allowed to exercise properly again I will be able to feel that it IS possible to do it for enjoyment purposes and not for anorexic reasons. Even if it's just 30mins-1hour, I just want to do something! Sick of being in the house staring at the same four walls not being able to do anything. I genuinely do love physical sports, not even for eating disordered reasons. I just love the fun and freedom of it. There's not much to do around here though. I'd like to maybe go to the woods and park half an hour away and just hire the tennis court for a bit. Have fun, laugh, enjoyable physical activity! Argh, how annoying. One day when I'm fit and healthy I'll be able to do this without having 504309325329857395 on my case for it haha! 

I WANNA GO RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. I miss running. :( 

Update :)

Feeling SO much mentally better this morning! I woke up and smiled then got out of bed, instead of refusing to get out of bed and just crying for ages like I did yesterday. I think those tablets are on their way out of my system now, woooo! In such a fighting mood again now :). STUFF YOU MICRONOR, KEELEYS BACK! 

Random Update - LOL

LOL LOL LOL, I've had the hiccups for half an hour or so now. I tried to do a headstand and drink water and spilt the water all over myself. Then burst out laughing, hiccuped again and it came out of my nose. Gross, but HILARIOUS. :') Still have them, HICCUP. I'll stay away from the water for a bit!! 

Diary 6th Sept - Oh Dear

Oh dear indeed! That's the last time I ever take Micronor. I've always been quite sensitive to medication (except painkillers, always the flipping way) and one of the side effects of Micronor is depression. I thought I would give them a go regardless because I was in such a good place and as I have mentioned before I no longer show enough signs/symptoms to be classified under the DSM-IV as having Depression. Well, I'm pretty sure if I'd have had a psychiatric assessment today they'd have soon plastered me with that diagnosis again! 

Micronor is a hormonal contraceptive pill that works by blocking some of your hormones to prevent ovulation. I wasn't taking it for contraceptive purposes, they were prescribed for me purely because of the mess that my ovaries are in. So now I'm really sad, on top of the tablets making me really sad and down it suddenly dawned on me that there isn't much else that we can try before "whipping my ovaries out" because nothing else has worked. So I guess we'll find out after my scan next Thursday (12th September) IF there is anything else that can be done. Otherwise it's hasta la vista to my ovaries and all chances of having my own child. Although, if I'm completely honest, because of the state that my ovaries are in it makes intercourse EXTREMELY painful. I'm assuming it would anyway because all of the internal examinations and transvaginal probes for the Ultrasound Scans have resulted in me absolutely screaming with agony. Sorry to be graphic there! And when I was in a sexual relationship at a younger age it was painful then too. Oh the joys!

Anyway, regarding my mood - I'm starting to pick up a little again now. I just hope that they leave my system as fast as it took them to enter. I refuse to let myself be in that dark place again, the last couple of days when the hormonal tablets have kicked in properly have definitely reminded me of how terrible my darkest days were and how glad I am to be free of them. This is just a blip purely because of the medication, I seriously cannot WAIT to get them out of my system lol! Then I'll be fine and fighting and happy again. Well in all fairness I'm still relatively ok, just tearful and sensitive. 

Soooooo this is getting to be a rather long post so I'll stop there. I'm going to make sure tomorrow is a better day than today and I get back on track with food etc. There is always hope and every second of the day is a chance to turn things around.

Quote of the day is again, a picture! :) 

Keeley. xx

Diary 5th Sept - Sorting Things Out

Terrible mood swings today. That Micronor that I have been taking for the past two days has COMPLETELY messed with my hormones. I know I was warned it could cause Depression but oh my life this has been terrible. I'm not taking them again, I refuse to fall back into that dark place. 

I've been really really nervous about moving house, really scared. This was partially the reason behind my relapse with Anorexia. Well, today the skip came and it all got too much. I just burst out crying and was absolutely sobbing for ages. During my crying fit, the lady who owns the Residential Home that I emailed the other day enquiring about volunteering called me and asked me to pop in for a chat so I'm going to go tomorrow. I was so embarrassed that I was crying but I couldn't help myself! I think all of the emotions over the last week or so and the stress about my ovaries/possible Endometriosis just completely got to me. Probably due to my hormones being messed with due to that medication but I just went completely BLAH (best way to explain lol) over it all! I'm not too bad now though, keeping myself distracted in positive ways such as drawing, reading, writing this blog, filling out forms etc. 

I enrolled to do a Health Sciences degree today which I'm REALLY excited about. It's the science and physicality of cardiovascular disease, visual impairments, cancer and things like that. I've always found that sort of line of work really interesting so to be able to begin a degree in it via the Open University (so I can do it from home, YAY!) is such a fantastic opportunity. It will be a lot of hard work but (like all) - worth it in the end. 

Sorry this is such a late post by the way! 

Quote of the day = "Don't surrender to negativity."

Keeley. xx

Random Update :)

Just a random update. I'm feeling REALLY motivated with my recovery and achieving my life goals. I'm not entirely sure what goals I have set for myself yet but I have an idea of the things I wish to achieve. It IS possible, I will push myself and push myself until I get there.

On that note, have a great day/evening everyone! Hope everyone is alright.

Keeley. xx

Diary 4th Sept - Mixed Emotions

Haven't done a lot today. I was supposed to be going to my mums so I would see my Dad when he dropped my sister back from Devon but I was in too much pain so couldn't go. Which made me really sad because I haven't seen him or his partner since December so I was kind of heartbroken I guess. But I'll just go and see him once I have the pain under control and my appointments with it all out of the way. 

So I've just helped unscrew the computer desk and little bits like that okay ready for when we move house at the end of the month. I'm still really nervous about it, I found my "home" here so it's going to be really difficult to move and uproot again. I don't know, I can't really explain I'm just scared. I said "home" because to me, there's a difference between having a house and having a home. A house is a roof above your head, a home is somewhere you feel safe, loved and content. This place is my home and I'm so nervous to adjust. 

I have an old friend coming round in a while which will be lovely. Nice catch up and a cup of coffee! :)

Quote of the day is a photo I found earlier... 

Keeley.xx

Diary 3rd Sept - OUCH

That's pretty much all I've said today - "OUCH" in between screaming and crying. Couldn't go to my appointment with my social worker because I couldn't move and eeeeetc. Not going to moan about it because I'll end up boring you all, I've now been given Micronor (mini pill) to help with periods and Naproxen to help with the pain. Even the Doctor I saw this evening (my GP, he's AMAZING) said he'll keep trying everything if all else fails we'll whip my ovaries out. I swear I feel like doing it myself at the moment.

Having such bad health problems with my ovaries now does actually get to me a lot, obviously because of the pain but because I have been pregnant before and had the termination sometimes I feel like it's karma because I have an extremely minimal chance of ever conceiving again. I only feel like it's karma when I get really down about it though, most of the time I can shrug off that thought and know that NO, it's not karma, everything happens for a reason and my ovaries may well have gotten so bad regardless of if I had had the termination or not. I'll never know and so I can't dwell on the past for what is done is done I have to move on from it. It just feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth some days. 

Still quite tired, as always! No change there haha. Once I get a decent nights sleep I'm going to end up sleeping for weeks at a time. Then wake up feeling nice and refreshed :)! 

I think I'm just rambling on now so I'll stop. Hope everybody has found something to smile about today!

Quote of the day = "Stop beating yourself up! You are a work in progress, which means you get there a little at a time. Not all at once." 

Keeley. xx

Diary 2nd Sept - Today's day

Had no sleep whatsoever last night thanks to horrible leg and stomach cramps and stayed awake with it all day too so I'm absolutely exhausted yet I doubt I'll sleep tonight. I have my scan scheduled for 12th September though so hopefully it's onwards and upwards from here.

That's my moaning for the day. Today has been okay to be honest, I've looked at some courses to get into and emailed some residential homes about volunteering until I can go back into a job again so hopefully I'll hear back from them! If not, I won't give up, I'll try elsewhere. Have to keep moving forwards :)!

Sorry today's is such a short post, I'm dosed up on painkillers and can't concentrate! Hopefully I'll be alright in the morning once I've slept as well.

Quote of the day = "I'm not where I need to be, but I'm not where I was." 

Keeley. xx

Random update - Feeling impulsive

I have a really bad urge to dye my hair a crazy colour and get my undercut put back in again. I've had my hair every colour under the sun (literally rainbow colours and everything haha). I went to the hairdressers though and they have to order it in, so that's that impulsion out of the window! Whenever I fancy a change it's always my hair that cops for it. I just like being creative, that's my excuse anyway ;). 

WOW!

Oh my life, 228 page views since posting my entries today! Not only from the UK but from the USA too. I can only hope now that people will begin to speak up about their own stories and come to us for support/guidance about where to go next and how to cope with their emotions. If nobody speaks up, just know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Nor will you ever be. There is always somebody out there who can relate, I am one of them. 
Hope everybody has found things to smile about today. Every day may not be good but there is something good in every day :).
Keep checking in to see what else I get up to or to ask me any questions or for support/guidance (just comment or email me on wan2talk.chat@gmail.com )

Here's a picture for you, I'm a happy little bunny to see these page views going up and up! 

Keeley. xx

Diary 1st Sept - Today's "faffing around"

I've actually had a fairly productive day today. In words that aren't mine - I have "faffed, faffed some more, and faffed to an outstanding level of a degree that I have not seen before". Haha! I've just done loads of bits and bobs today, the 'faffing' was regarding to me this morning though. I tend to stall quite a bit before breakfast. I'm not actually stalling though, there's just my daily routine between when I get out of bed and having breakfast. OCD for you! 

I am trying to break my OCD habits and challenge them which is appearing to be very difficult sometimes. People are consistently telling me "you know something bad won't happen if you don't do it" but it's just what I have in my head. I am slowly but surely challenging my compulsions that I am aware of before I work on the ones that I am less aware that I do. I have many! 

I'm still looking at sports clubs and getting quite disheartened about it, I just feel the need to be active and actually up and about doing something with my days instead of being sat in the house on my bum all day. I'm not allowed to join sports clubs or anything yet and nor will I be allowed to for quite a period of time. However there is always the future and I guess it's something to look forward to :).

OH My Doctor Marten boots came yesterday, OH MY LIFE THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. Thought I would share that with you. I'm not a girlie girl who loves shoes/makeup/skirts/dresses/hair etc etc, I just love Doc Martens haha.

Right, I'm off to have a play around with this bloggspot and see what else I can do with it. If anybody has any questions about anything feel free to comment and ask me.

Quote of the day 

"Whenever you feel yourself doubting how far you will go, remember how far you have come."

Keeley. xx

Keeley - My Life - From Then To Now

Hello girls & guys! I’m Keeley and I am the Young Ambassador for Wan2Talk and here is my story…

It was 2001 and I was 6 years old when my Mum & Dad split up, I’m not entirely sure what happened as I was only young so I was never really told WHY (except a few hints about it being drug related) but, I guess you could say that from there things started going pear-shaped. There was a lot of uprooting, confusion and arguments.

The night that my Mum and Dad split up, we moved in with one of Mum’s male friends *** and soon afterwards they became a couple. Towards the end of 2001 my Dad also began a relationship. She was horrid. She hated me and my sister and put my Dad in some really horrible positions. It came to the point where my Dad, who sobbed his heart out, pulled in to a lay by and told me and my sister that he couldn’t see us any-more because he was in love with *** and then took us back to my Mums house.

I by no means hold anything against my Dad for that day, I was too young to understand and my sister was still a baby but, as I have grown and thought back to that day I feel no resentment whatsoever. I guess I just really felt for him and could relate to him in that he didn’t know which way to turn either or what to do for the best. He made a decision and I didn’t see him for a couple of weeks/months after that but then he saw sense and ended the relationship in 2002 and began to see me and my sister again.

2003 was a pretty quiet year (well, I don’t have many memories from that year). 2004 however Mum split up with *** and me and my sister went to live with my Dad whilst Mum stayed at my Aunt’s. Mum stayed over at Dad’s a couple of nights in the week but whether they were actually making a go of rekindling their relationship or not I still have no idea. A couple of weeks into living like that, there was a massive argument about dinner which then resulted in me, my mum and my sister going to live in a safe house. What I remember from that night is me picking up my baby sister and hiding with her in the wardrobe in my bedroom and putting clothes over her head so she couldn’t hear anything, my dad holding my mum from behind and pushing her out of the front door and mum hitting her head off the door knob. Mum said it was domestic violence, Dad said it was not. I’ve heard two sides to that story which both could be believable so I’m still not sure of the truth and probably will never get it. Little was I aware though, that domestic violence was soon to play a big part in my childhood and I was about to witness things I would never wish upon my worst enemy.

It was also around this time that my eating disorder began and I self-harmed for the first time. I was 10 years old. I remember cutting my hands and going home and telling my Mum that I had fell into a barbed wire fence. People at school were calling me fat and I was the only one still not wearing vest tops at least. My puberty and development started later on than others and I was tore to strips over it.

2005 we moved out of the safe house and into a flat. The block of flats we lived in had drug addicts both below us and above. It wasn’t really a safe place to be as the police were always there for people fighting, drug raids and fires. Living in those flats I did make a couple of “friends”. I found myself being more able to interact with adults than I could with children my own age. I tended to just walk my dog and go for walks, take my sister over to the field by the cinema and play with her for a while. Anything to be out of that flat! There was one boy however who grabbed me the one day and put me in a headlock, proceeding to punch me in the head and tell me that he wanted to “smash a piece of wood around my head and watch my brains fall out.” Again, probably a sign of what was yet to come…

October 2005, the month and the year of when my world began to fall apart.

Mum had joined an online dating website and met another man on there. I remember being sat on the sofa in the flat and Mum getting all excited thinking he looked like Shayne Ward (X Factor). They began talking in October and by November the council had found us a house and we moved in, *** moving in with us straight away. I always did have a weird feeling about him, I guess it was just gut instinct. But right from the beginning he was over-protective, picked arguments over nothing and always seemed to be sat on his computer not talking to anyone other than to tell us how useless we were.

Life seemed to carry on that way for a few months, the new year came and went with Arguments, stress, tension, me still self-harming, my eating disordered thoughts still very much there, whilst trying to protect my sister from it all whilst my Mum tried to keep her partner happy.

End of July 2006, *** hit my Mum for the first time. We were on holiday in Majorca and having a really enjoyable time. The one night, we were all downstairs watching the entertainment when my Mum said that she had a headache so was going to get an early night. She asked *** to bring her up a bottle of water when the entertainment finished and we were all ready for bed. 9:30pm, the entertainment finished and so me, my sister and *** went upstairs to our hotel room. This is where my childhood of domestic violence began properly. The time where I, for years, was going to witness things I never want to see again. *** had forgotten to bring the bottle of water to the hotel room and so mum playfully rolled her eyes at him and got back into bed. Their bed and the bed that I and my sister were sharing were right next to each other. Unfortunately, *** didn’t see the eye rolling as playful. He threw himself at mum, straddled on top of her and punched her in the face. My sister began screaming as *** got up off the bed and turned the light on, so my sister and I could – I quote - “see what the b***h deserves!” Launching himself back on to my screaming mum, me frozen with fear, him frothing at the mouth and my sister in front of me – I grabbed my sister, put her behind of me and pulled the blanket over her head and stroked her face trying to calm her and stop her from hearing the screams and the shouting whilst having tears streaming down my own face. *** Then fled the room and I removed the blanket from my sister and placed it over her so she could sleep as she had calmed a little by now. I checked my mum then I too, fled the room. I ran as fast as I could trying to find help, I didn’t know exactly who I was looking for or what I was going to do but I just ran through corridors and down stairs screaming and crying for help. I have no idea where *** was as I didn’t see him whilst I was searching for help. I came across some friends we had made on the holiday and gave them a big blubbering explanation of what had just happened. I’m not too sure how the rest of that night went as I was so numb and dazed that everything just became a blur. I remember being told that *** was going to get a separate flight home though, but then by the end of the holiday he was back with us and everything was okay again. “I’m sorry, it’ll never happen again” he claimed. Well, that was soon to be the excuse for the daily beatings that were to come.

For the rest of 2006 and all through 2007 it was beating after beating after beating. Police after police after police. Tears after tears after tears. Self-harm after self-harm after self-harm, starvation after starvation after starvation. At home I was trying to protect my sister and ensure that she didn’t see or hear the domestic violence that was happening under the same roof. Of course there were times when it was inevitable and I couldn’t get her away fast enough, I mean good on her she even kicked him the once! It wasn’t as easy as just phoning the police and getting a restraining order put on him though, or giving evidence resulting in him being put in prison. My Mum was terrified of leaving him and kept falling for his lies that he would change and it would never happen again. He was threatening to kill me, kill my sister, kill my dad, kill my Mum, and kill any of my family that he could get his hands on. He even went in to exact, vulgar detail as to how he was going to do it. Petrified, none of us broke the silence on it. One of the times, my mum discovered that she was pregnant and she was ecstatic. She had always wanted another child! However, after one too many beatings my Mum miscarried. *** had beat her that bad, kicked her in the stomach that hard, that she lost the baby. He left her there to bleed until eventually mum was taken to the hospital by ambulance having miscarried and suffering a perforated ear drum. *** was then arrested for manslaughter.

The court date arrived and mum just couldn’t do it. She said she saw the fear on his face and couldn’t go through with it. She went to court that day and begged the judges to drop the case. I’m not sure how on earth she managed it but she did, they dropped the case. They got back together and life went on as normal. I use the term ‘normal’ lightly – life went on as the normality it had been.

2008 was the same except to more of an extent. I began a relationship on 20.02.08 in which I was very happy. The stress at home caused quite a big impact on us though. The violence became worse and had gotten to the point where Mum was so physically weak and exhausted from the stress and the physical beatings that she ended up in hospital. Whenever she stood she would faint and fall. After examinations at the hospital they found that she had a hernia on her brain stem and hemiplegic migraine. She still has the hernia to this day but it isn’t operable as it could potentially leave her worse off. It doesn’t really affect her now, she still gets bad migraines though.

Around April time there was another incident which still goes through my mind every now and again. My sister and I were at my Dads house for the weekend and we were sat on the floor watching the TV when my phone rang. It was Mum. I couldn’t quite make out what was being said I could just hear talking and then raised voices. Nothing major though. I assumed she had just phoned me accidentally and put the phone down. My phone rang again, I could hear ‘Basshunter – Now You’re Gone’ playing in the background and then more talking. Then shouting. Then silence. Then threats of a hammer. Then screaming. My dad heard the screams from the phone and within seconds the three of us jumped into my Dads work van and sped 5 minutes to my Mums, calling the police on the way. I had tried to phone but I was shaking that much I couldn’t tap the number in properly, so after two or three attempts my Dad took my phone and called them. We pulled up outside Mums and before Dad had even stopped the van I flung the door open and ran into Mums. She came to the door black and blue (seemed to be the only way we had seen her recently) and *** was sat upstairs on the computer as per usual acting as if nothing had happened. Well that was it, I saw him and I lost it. I screamed the odds, telling him exactly what I thought of him and how I wished he was dead. Told him karma would get him one day and I hope he would rot in hell. He just sat there with that disgusting smirk on his face, still making threats. I was removed from the room and taken outside as the police went in to arrest him. I remember the police putting him in the back of their van as my Dad held me back to stop me from going for him. Even the policeman told me to calm down before I ended up getting in trouble too! I was 14, had the attitude of a typical teenager anyway except I also had so much anger and hurt locked up inside I just raged that night.

The police took my phone for evidence (I had recorded the conversation, I tended to do that whenever they argued – ‘just in case’). So they had that, but they were missing the essential piece they needed. The hammer. Searching the garden at 11:30pm and neighbours outside wondering what was going on, it was my sister that found the hammer. *** had threw it out of the window into the back garden which backed on to a graveyard as soon as he had heard the police. The police took it for evidence but *** had left his phone. I found that the next morning at 5am when his “The Key The Secret” ringtone began blaring and waking everyone up. I was terrified thinking he was back in the house but then found his phone in the washing basket. Handed that over to the police and then social workers began visiting to check me and my sister were okay, myself, my mum and my sister gave video evidence at a specialised centre which was then due to be used in court. Again, the case was dropped and they got back together again.

13^th June 2008 I ended up in hospital for a few days. I had collapsed due to stress, low body weight and loss of feeling in the right side of my body. My Anorexia had completely taken over by then. High school was hellish and I was bullied constantly. I had next to no friends because everyone was too scared to come round my house because they had heard of what happens there. People threw things at me in classes, pulled zombie faces, snapped pencils and laughed saying “hey look it’s your spine”, pushed me into walls with comments such as “oops, watch your ankles don’t snap” and “oops, I crushed the anorexic”. Even my netball coach made the comment of I looked like I was about to snap whenever I caught the ball and pivoted and it was almost laughable. Lay in the hospital bed with no clue what was going on, *** took a photo of me and posted it on Facebook with the caption of “Golddigga beds modelled by Keeley”. It was as if he was almost revelling in the fact that part of this was his doing and he was proud of it. That photo and others of my mum, my sister and I are still on his Facebook to this very day.

27^th June 2008, Mum’s birthday, the domestic violence FINALLY came to an end. *** never really seemed to like it when the attention was away from him, so being as it was Mum’s birthday his mood wasn’t exactly fantastic. Then again, it never really was! The evening of Mums birthday they began arguing again. The violence wasn’t really the issue for that night, *** slapped mum as she was walking up the stairs but didn’t punch her or kick her or spit or anything. I’m not saying a slap isn’t abuse still, it was just nothing compared to how it could have been. That evening the threats became worse. I can’t exactly remember what they were arguing over but I just remember him ranting on about how he was going to kill all of our family. Was going to get his Uncle over from Ireland who had recently came out of prison for murder and he was going to make sure he found a time when all of our family was in the house together and set fire to the house. He grabbed my face as I was on the phone to my Aunty and shouted “I’ve got 3 words for you, YOUR DAD’S DEAD”. Well that was it, I felt myself deflate and go weak. I loved my Dad regardless of the past, I loved my Mum regardless of how things were and I loved my sister who needed protecting. My Mum wasn’t in a position to do it at that point in time and many of people have said to me that I was the one who bought my sister up. So my Aunty called the police to my Mum’s house and *** was arrested for the final time. Unfortunately, even though this time my Mum was strong enough to not drop the statements, there was nothing that the police could do except charge him for battery at most despite all of the previous occasions. Since the day that he left that final time, Mum never looked back and he was out of our lives for good. Physically at least - the mental scars still remained.

2009 things were looking up a little. I made friends, began going out more, my relationship was still going strong. The joys of puppy love at 15 years old! Obviously there were arguments but nothing major, just silly stuff about gossip that had been spread at school. I was just being a teenager. Then things got a little rocky between us, I had been taking Cerazette as a birth control pill whilst engaging in a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. I had been taking antibiotics for tonsillitis at the time though and we were just teenagers in love we didn’t really think about implications of taking two medications at the same time. After a trip to a sexual health clinic on 11^th April I discovered I was pregnant. Silly of me I know, but I didn’t actually tell my boyfriend until we split up on 24^th April. I was lost, I was confused, I had no idea how I was going to bring a child into this world and my state of mind caused us to break up. Both of our families would have gone crazy if they’d have found out so I kept quiet until I ended up shouting it at him after school one day. He didn’t believe me, he thought I had made it up to try and get him back. Which to be honest is understandable because it was my own fault for not telling him as soon as I knew. Well now I had no idea what to do. I was still reeling from the emotions and aftermath of having witnessed domestic violence for years, I was still at a low body weight and I was terrified of bringing a child into the world and not being a good enough Mum to them. I couldn’t financially afford to, I wasn’t mentally stable and I had no grades at that point which could have helped me towards a career in the future to be able to provide for my child. So on 16^th May 2009, regrettably and heartbreakingly, I had a termination. Still to this day I am unable to forgive myself for this and am constantly thinking about the ‘what ifs’, but deep down I know that my baby wouldn’t have had the quality of life it deserved at that stage in my life. Each anniversary I light a candle and send a balloon into the sky and still think about them daily.

4^th July 2009 a very good friend of mine was killed whilst out fighting for our country in Afghanistan. He had not long turned 18 and was hit by a roadside grenade. Again, once more, my world fell apart that little bit more. I was losing all who had mattered to me and so close together and losing all sense of myself at the same time. It seemed that just as things began to move forwards, something else happened. During my therapy sessions later on in the future my life was described to be a roller coaster. I used to cry when I thought about him and would try to stop myself thinking, nowadays when I think about him I look back and smile. When I visit his grave I still grieve for him, but I can walk away with a smile from the memories instead of tears at the fact he is gone. Gone but never forgotten. I’ll always remember that cheeky grin!

2010 was the year I turned to drink. I woke up in the morning and drank, went out and drank more, came home still drunk, went to sleep drunk and woke up and got drunk again. I was still self-harming even after 7 years and I was still struggling with my eating disorder. I was weight restored to a healthier weight by this point but my thoughts were still there. However my eating disordered thoughts and my self harm thoughts were blocked out by my constant state of bleariness from being drunk. I have now came to realise that getting drunk to numb the pain was a form of self-harm within itself.

Mid July 2010 I began to see a psychologist. He was fantastic, we spoke about anything and everything and I really began seeing a future for myself. I stopped drinking as much, my self harm had reduced a considerable amount and I finally felt myself actually letting somebody in and allowing them to hear my inner most thoughts and feelings.

Except things only stayed that way until August. You know how I was previously saying how when things start moving forward I always seemed to have a knock back? Well I got my final one this month. On the 29^th August 2010, I was raped. My dignity, trust in humanity, self-worth (which was already very little) and general ‘being’ was taken from me thanks to this. I had now completely gone to pieces.

I was perfectly sober when I went out that night. I had met with a couple of my friends and we were going to another catchment area to meet up with some other of their friends who I hadn’t really known. I knew one of them but not any of the others. Anyway, we were all sat there just having a laugh and chatting away when the drinks were passed around. I either had diet coke or Fanta I don’t really remember. Sipping my drink everything was okay for 20 minutes or so. Then I just felt myself go really tired and nauseous so I stood up to go to the toilet. Coming out of the toilet I was then pushed into the kitchen which was straight opposite the toilet. One of the lads from the other room was pushing himself onto me and had backed me into the corner against the kitchen drawers. By now I was tired and weak but still fighting against him to stop him from rubbing himself against me and touching me as he had been. The music was blaring in the other room so nobody could have heard a thing. In one last ditch attempt to get him off me, I punched him. My hand began throbbing and then I heard the word “S**G” shouted at me. Then nothing. Blank. Nothingness. I have no clue what happened next, part of me wishes I did and the other part of me is glad that I don’t. I woke up to find an older male on top of me, naked, raping me. I hadn’t recognised him from the gathering and we were not even in the same house as before. I was still in and out of consciousness and couldn’t fight back nor did I have the energy to. I just lay there drifting in and out of a sleepy state. Coming round later on, bodily fluids everywhere, I knew what had just happened and I knew it wasn’t just some nightmare. I put all of my energy into dragging myself up and throwing my clothes back on, grabbing my phone, I ran. 03:12am 29^th August 2010 my phone read. I wish I could explain how I got home but I don’t know. I remember vomiting on the side of a busy road and asking a lady for directions to my house but I don’t really remember the walk. I finally got to my house at 7:30am and went straight to bed and slept for days on end.

I should have contacted the police sooner I know, but I chose to deny to myself that anything had happened, tried to convince myself it was all just a bad dream and I was going to wake up from it soon. I completely shut myself off from the world. I didn’t go out except to my therapy appointments which even then resulted in panic attacks the majority of the time. I became a recluse. I lost all my friends, any trust in men that I ever had had now been completely shattered. I spent my time sleeping and sinking further and further into a deep bout of depression. I didn’t see a point anymore, I didn’t see a purpose for anything and I felt so ashamed and dirty that I didn’t want to see anybody. I just wanted to die. I had hit rock bottom and I wanted to die that was all I wanted. I drew pictures, I wrote it down, I screamed, I cried, I woke up sweating from nightmares and I just wanted it all to end.

Getting off the bus from one of my therapy appointments in early May 2011, I saw my rapist. He was at the bus stop at which I was about to get off at. It was the last stop so it’s not like I could have even stayed on and got off at the next one. I had to get off. I put my hood up and kept my head down and briskly walked off the bus and made to cross the road. I didn’t reach the crossing in time though. I felt a hand grab my wrist and, squeezing my eyes closed praying to God nothing was going to happen, I froze. I opened my eyes and became face to face with my rapist. I saw straight into his eyes again, those same eyes and that same sickening look on his face as the night I was raped. Twisting out of his grasp I, yet again, made another run for it. I ran home and locked myself in my room. The next morning I decided I had simply had enough. I phoned my therapist and told him about my encounter with my rapist. Beforehand, we had decided together that as long as I could promise to keep myself safe then he wouldn’t contact the police as I wasn’t at risk of it happening again. He wasn’t a relative or someone I had seen before/would see again and so we decided I was safe. Well that all changed, a couple of hours later my therapist turned up at my house, sat down and spoke with my mum and the police were called. They took statements from me, identified my attacker from the CCTV at the bus stop and took statements from others too.

It was around this time that I developed contact with the lovely Carol Azzopardi herself. She listened to me, gave me support and guidance and pointed me in the direction of WAR (Women Against Rape). Unfortunately at this point I had gotten so overwhelmed by everything that had happened so far in my life that I just gave up. My relationship with my mum got worse and I moved out and went to stay with my Aunty. The police took quite a while trying to actually arrest my attacker as they could never catch him at his house or at work. I was kept in the dark about where he was due to confidentiality reasons but they ensured me that I would be safe and gave me a number to contact them on if needs be.

I had given up though. I gave up on myself, didn’t trust anybody around me, and gave up on life in general. So I walked in to a pub with pint of beer, drank several shots, sat in the toilets and overdosed.

A week or so after my overdose I was admitted to an inpatient psychiatric unit for Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anorexia (although my weight was ok-ish at that point). I was self-harming with whatever I could get my hands on, not eating whenever I could get away with it and constantly trying to hurt myself. I just didn’t want to live and I didn’t care anymore. Time passed with a load of medication, restraints, tears and flashbacks. I saw people tying ligatures around their neck, others cutting themselves with anything and everything and just generally fell a part of it.

I began to calm down a lot and have home leave, engage in psychology sessions and speak up a bit. It was during my time in this admission though that the police came to visit me to tell me that there wasn’t enough evidence for my case to proceed to court and that there would be no further contact from them unless I became at risk from my attacker again. I should have contacted them sooner, I knew it.

I became angrier at myself for not speaking up straight away and not breaking my silence. Due to my lack of mental stability though I tried to end my life again after having been told that I was soon to be discharged from inpatient and being terrified of the outside world. I swallowed 2 sharpener blades, snapped staples, tore up a can of red bull and swallowed it all. It didn’t do a thing, I just ended up in hospital for 2 days having enemas to try and make it pass through. That was the last thing I needed, someone prising my legs open to insert things into me. Degraded, ashamed, suicidal, my downward spiral continued.

I was discharged from the inpatient unit on October 12^th 2011 and went back to my Mums. I couldn’t cope with the outside world though, at least not that catchment area anyway. I had formed a friendship with one of the nurses on the inpatient ward though who later gave up her job and moved just so she could see more of me and it not being detrimental to her career. I remember the one day I had gone to punch a wall and she just grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. I just stood there like “Woah, who on earth are you?!” but laughed about it and we still do when we look back on it now.

I spent as much time as possible away from my house with my mum and sister. Not because of anything they had done, I just couldn’t cope with the area itself and the memories that I had there. My Anorexia was back in full swing now and I was trying to control everything that was happening around me. By December 2011 I had lost 10.8kg since the October and was 46.2kg with a BMI of 16.4. I was being threatened with another hospital admission but I didn’t care I just thought I was fat and that was it. I didn’t need to be admitted, or at least I kept telling myself.

New Year’s Day 2012 I moved in with the nurse from the inpatient unit. Yes, many people found it inappropriate but she was my getaway and I felt safe. I felt I had a chance at building a new life if I was out of my previous area and she was amazing in supporting me to do so. I still saw my mum and my sister but struggled to be in that area. My Anorexia was still spiralling out of control though and despite my determination to build a new life, it wasn’t enough. 29^th April 2012 I was admitted to an inpatient hospital again for Anorexia. This time weighing 34.2kg with a BMI of 12.1. I almost died. My hair fell out, I had constant chest pain, my skin broke, I developed pressure sores, my blood pressure was low, my pulse rate was in the 30s, my nails broke, I was constantly freezing cold (despite there being a heat wave), I was lacking in pretty much all the vitamins and minerals and I could barely stand for 2 minutes without everything blacking out. Yet I still saw myself as fat even after being told that if I didn’t start eating again soon then I would be dead in a couple of weeks.

In the hospital I was admitted to there wasn’t really many rules. If you didn’t eat you didn’t eat they’d sit with me for 3 hours each snack or meal time until I had finished but then some days I just point blank wouldn’t eat. I started to receive phone calls, text messages and death threats whilst on this ward and so that itself along with the fact I was a critically low weight and wouldn’t eat, I was moved to an intensive eating disorder unit in South London. I was then detained under Section 3 of the Mental Health Act (after being sectioned on a Section 5.2 for 72 hours, then Section 2 – 28 days -, then Section 3 which is 6 months) and force fed via an NG tube for my refusal to eat. If I didn’t comply with my diet plan on that unit whilst being under section, they could restrain me and hold me down to insert the NasoGastric Feeding Tube. The supplement they put through was horrid, I know they’re not supposed to taste nice but it was so heavy on my stomach. I tried eating but hated myself for it. I couldn’t stand my body because of what had happened to it and I just wanted to shrink away from everybody. Whenever I ate I felt like I was giving permission to be raped again. The bigger I was the more chance they had of seeing me for it to be able to happen again – that was my train of thought. So I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was restrained several times a day by several people to be NG fed. I know it was to save my life and in my best interest but at the time I hated them for it. I was hell bent on my self-destruction. My anxiety was through the roof, I was suffering severe flashbacks, I was a critically low body weight and yet I just didn’t care what happened to me. I was still self-harming too and so was placed on observation levels which is where you have a staff member with you at all times. Even when you go to the toilet. I was not allowed to be by myself at any given point and the staff member on my observation would have to be within arm’s length of me “just in case”. Time passed in a daze of occasionally eating, NG feeds when I wouldn’t, vitamin tablets, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, sleeping medication and IM (intramuscular) injections to stabilise my mood. Eventually, as the weight went on, my mind set became healthier and I became able to think a little more clearly. I was slowly taken off my medication all together (except for sleeping tablets and anti-psychotics/IM injections when I wouldn’t take my medication) and began to actually feel my emotions again. It wasn’t easy, in fact to say it was difficult would be an understatement. But I managed, I coped, I started having home leave and I was even allowed on holiday to Paignton for a week! My discharge planning meeting was due to be arranged for October and things were looking good. One of my home leaves didn’t go as well as planned though and I had another setback. I had managed to get myself taken off of my section before this home leave but ended up in A&E, put back on a section and being took back to the unit in South London in an ambulance. Maybe that’s, somehow, madly, where things began to look upwards though. I saw how scared I had made people that day and I realised how much hell I had been putting everybody else through and myself too. Yes, I actually openly admitted to myself for the first time in years that I didn’t deserve to live the way I was and that I did actually deserve a life. The fact that I had managed to even think that thought just briefly gave me a glimmer of hope because a few months or even weeks before that I still just wanted to die. I had hated my body, I hated my life and I hated anybody who had tried to save me time and time again. But now, I had hope.

November 2012 I was again transferred to another hospital but this time I was at a healthy weight. The plan was for me to be moved there so I was closer to home and able to slowly adjust back in to the real world. South London was 2/3hours down the motorway from home for me so it wasn’t really ideal to learn to adjust back into the real world from that distance.

Still sectioned under the Mental Health Act, I resided in a unit half an hour or so from home. They were nothing like what my previous unit had been and so I had hated it there. Purely because I had spent so long in such intensive treatment, I found their regime pretty useless. I didn’t see the point in me being there because I was at a healthy weight anyway. I ended up losing 10kg whilst there despite supposedly being on a maintenance diet at this point! I did, however, meet some fantastic friends there who I still have contact with and some of the staff were lovely. I just didn’t find it helpful at all because I had become so used to the regime and routine of the South London unit.

At the end of January whilst I was still an inpatient I awoke with horrific pains in my back and stomach. The doctors came to my room and examined me and I was then placed on isolation because of continuous vomiting. A couple of hours later the pain had become excruciating and I was taken across the road to a General hospital. I described my symptoms and they diagnosed appendicitis. They were all ready to operate and the surgeons were ready when suddenly they realised that it wasn’t actually appendicitis, a scan had showed I had in fact got a pretty nasty kidney infection. The pain was terrible and I couldn’t move. I remember on the Saturday afternoon I was lay in my hospital bed and one of the nurses from the inpatient unit I was at, was sat with me (I still had to have the nurses with me at all times because I was under a section and they needed to ensure I was still eating). I just sat there and went “***, what’s just happened?” and looking down, I realised I had wet myself. Trying to agonisingly lift myself up so I could clean myself, I realised that my right leg wouldn’t move. I couldn’t feel it. So then it was test after test after test, MRI scans after MRI scans after MRI scans. Banana boards and transfer sheets to move me all over the place still screaming with agony but unable to feel anything from the waist down. I become urinary incontinent and I couldn’t feel a thing. I had to wear adult incontinence pads and nurses were coming regularly to change me. Just when I had begun to feel more at ease with my body, it had lost control of itself. My anorexic thoughts again got worse but at the same time I was more determined to build a new life because I was sick of living the way that I was. The pain began to lessen after I was given the strongest doses of Trimethoprim, Cocodamol, Morphine and Nitrofurantoin. I was pain-free enough to move, but my leg still wouldn’t budge. I was taught how to use a wheelchair and fitted with a catheter because I kept falling whilst going to the toilet (I had to try and go every hour to re-train my bladder) and banging my head off things so the nurses had decided that a catheter would be more beneficial. Just my luck, it was a MALE doctor that came to fit it! Luckily it was my favourite nurse from the inpatient unit that was with me at the time the doctor came and she held my hand and made me feel a little more at ease. A couple of days later the consultant came to see me and told me that he couldn’t promise me that I would ever walk again. I was distraught but nonetheless was discharged from the general hospital after 13 days still in a wheelchair but given medication for the infection and for the pain. I arrived back on the unit the day before my 19^th birthday and everyone seemed quite pleased to see me. I never thought I would say it because I couldn’t stand the place but oh my life I was glad to be back! I celebrated – I use that term lightly – my birthday on the unit and had visitors too which was nice. Then, I WAS REMOVED FROM MY SECTION. I WAS FREE. Well, I would have been had I actually had my own wheelchair and didn’t have to rely on the one from hospital. So I got my own wheelchair and started having leave. I enjoyed my time at home so much that in the end I just refused to go back because I felt I was managing fine at home and didn’t need to be there anymore. The ward had gotten a bit hectic with a new admission at that point too and I didn’t find it beneficial to my recovery. So I went back to the ward, collected my stuff and on the 8^th March 2013, after 11 months and 1 week in 3 consecutive inpatient units, I discharged myself. I was still in a wheelchair but I didn’t care. I was finally going home.

Since coming home 5 months ago so much has changed. I haven’t self-harmed since January and so am now officially 7 months self-harm free! I no longer want to commit suicide and I have generally started enjoying life. I still struggle with Anorexia and relapsed 8 weeks or so ago but professionals caught me early enough to stop it taking over completely and avoid another hospital admission. I feel stronger than I ever have before and have fantastic support around me. I even began to walk again 3 months ago!! I think I have a habit of proving people wrong now. Tell me I can’t and I’ll show you I can!

I am still living in the same place I was prior to admission, away from the area my life turned upside down. Still with the nurse I built a friendship with. She has seen me on my darkest days, held me and supported me through them and laughed with me (and sometimes AT me) on my best days. She is my best friend and I am so thankful to her for helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel and not giving up on me.

My sister doesn’t suffer with any mental illnesses, people have said that I did a damn good job of bringing her up and she still thanks me for it now. I’m forever being told that I grew up too fast through having to take responsibility of my sister but I wouldn’t have it any other way. She has grown into such a beautiful young lady and I couldn’t possibly be any more proud of her if I wanted to. She is doing fantastic in school, having a social life outside of it and generally living the teenage years that I never did. She still lives with my mum who was in a relationship for two years which unfortunately, recently fell apart. However I do have a beautiful new baby sister from this relationship! So yes, things are fairly settled that end now, mum still has confidence issues and we still don’t particularly see eye to eye or have the best relationship but that’s just life. We get on better than we used to but she blames herself a lot for the things that I have been through and the way that I have turned out to be and so had admitted herself that she struggles a lot with that. Yes we argue and get angry with each other but at the end of the day she is my mum and she tried her best. She didn’t ask for those things to happen to her and I’m sure she wouldn’t have willingly put her, my sister and me through the things we went through. She’s on the up though, she’s stronger now than I have seen her in quite a while and although we’re still quite rocky, I do love her regardless.

My Dad moved away to Devon a couple of years back with his partner who he has been with now for 5 or 6 years (my memory is useless!) and he is really happy out there. They both are. They have both been fantastic through all of this and keep in touch whenever possible. Now I am out of hospital I plan to go and visit them in Devon at some point over the next couple of weeks. I love it out there, I find being by the sea really peaceful and it gives me a sense of freedom.

As for me, I managed to pick up 5 diagnoses through my hospital admissions. Depression, Anorexia, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. HOWEVER, after completely opening up about being raped to the wonderful Carol, Dominique & Sharon and having their support over the years I have found a new lease on life and talking was the best thing I ever did. I can honestly now, hand on heart say that I have moved on from that aspect of my life and I am mentally strong enough to help others to do the same. I had a psychiatric assessment 3 weeks ago and I managed to lose two of my diagnoses thanks to these wonderful ladies and my support at home! I no longer show enough signs/symptoms to be classified under the DSM-IV as having Depression or PTSD. They were my first diagnoses and the first to go, it may well be ten years later but I still am so pleased. Hopefully I can drop the others in the future too! I am so happy to have finally recovered from them. I no longer have flashbacks, I no longer want to end my life and I can actually be sociable now and not shut myself away from everybody. If I hadn’t have spoken to these 3 ladies I don’t think I would have ever recovered from those mental illnesses. Don’t get me wrong, a scent can still make me shiver, a sudden movement or loud noise will still make me jump, I still get sad and upset, but by no means does it affect me half the way it used to. I am happy, and I am proud, to finally be able to say that domestic violence and rape didn’t ruin me, it MADE ME.

I have never felt as strong as a person in the entirety of my life. My home life is settled and happy, I am settled and happy, I have regular therapy for my Anorexia and weigh-ins to check on my progress and I am awaiting a letter from psychology to discuss therapy for my OCD. I’ve hit rock bottom and I bounced back up, I started falling again and I was lifted back up. Talking about things really did save me and it can for you too.

You may feel worthless, ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted but I am telling you now you are NONE of those things. It takes time and it’s not easy but I promise you it is worth it. After all – you are still alive, you are here, you made it and you are beautiful. You are already half way there.