This really made me laugh so I thought I would share it!

Diary 13th Oct - Happy

Happy happy happy these days :). I spent last night at my girlfriends at her brothers birthday party which was ace. Her family are like a family to me too which is really lovely. I had a really good night to be honest! 

A bit of a change in myself I've noted over the last few days - whenever people used to say "how have you been doing?" I would always feel ashamed to say I was doing well because I felt like a failure of an anorexic. The last few days I have told people how well I have been doing and felt no shame in doing so whatsoever, I actually feel really proud to say it now! At the end of the day, if you're not fighting anorexia you're dying from it. Out of all mental illnesses Anorexia Nervosa has the highest mortality rate of all. I didn't used to care if I fell into the statistics of those that died from it, in fact in some very sickening way I used to actually want to. So I felt I was actually good at something and I did it properly and saw it through to the very end. Now my mental state and mindset is a lot more healthy than it was I can actually see how wrong I was to think that way. Why would I want to fall into those statistics? Yeah, I would have "done something right" but how can you do something that ISN'T right, properly and right? I'm not sure if that makes sense, it makes sense in my head anyway. I don't want to die anymore and I certainly do not want to be known as "the anorexic one that died from it". I want to be known as "the one who fought damn hard to build a new life and succeeded." I want to inspire people, I aspire to inspire, I know it sounds cliche and you've probably heard it or read it somewhere thousands of times over but I do just want someone to say to me one day that it is because of me they didn't give up. It is hard because if you are strong all of the time then not many people really ask if you are okay, especially if the battle in your mind continues but your physical actions/behaviours don't express the turmoil in your mind, at the end of the day though I don't particularly want attention drawn to it and it is down to me and me only to recover. You can have as many professionals as you like to support you but if you don't want to do it you won't, ultimately it is YOU that it has to come from. You have to want to recover, you have to want to live and you have to want to be happy. Yes I still battle in my head over food and I still have my mood swings due to BPD, however I am now nourishing my body and not starving it. Making it up and apologising to it for the continuous years of starvation and malnourishment. My moods are a lot more stable now and I fully intend on trying my best to not let myself slip again. It is difficult, and there will be days when you just want to curl in a ball in a dark room, sleep and never wake up again. On those days you have to remember that it is just a bad day, not a bad life. Happiness and hope IS achievable and IS maintainable. I have found that out for myself over the last couple of weeks and I could not be more content right now.

Every single one of you deserve to be happy and deserve to live a happy, fulfilled life. You may not feel like you deserve to and hold a lot of self blame for things you have witnessed or been a victim of. But you DO. Every single one of you. Whether you are male or female, homosexual or heterosexual, whatever your race, you are all worthy and deserving of a happy life. It's never too late to turn things around and begin. So start now, GO. <3 

Quote of the day = "You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just have to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens."

Keeley. xx

Update - Happiness, Appointments and Hope

Hello! Sorry for being AWOL recently, I've been ran off of my feet with lots of things but I do always check my emails to see if anybody has contacted me. 

To be honest, I'm not even entirely sure where to start. Things have been, well, GREAT! Recovery is going absolutely fantastic, I've met someone very special (explained later on) and I had my Gynaecology appointment on Tuesday then Ophthalmology yesterday. 

It all kind of falls together to be honest, with the "someone very special" and the appointments and recovery being great right now. 

I think I'll start this way... Many people who have been a victim of abuse tend to question their sexuality at some point or another. Whether they question it before, during, or after, I do know of a lot of people that have found themselves more attracted to the same sex. I for one, tried to convince myself that I was interested in males because I felt it was more "normal" and I was scared I was going to let people down. After having so many hospital admissions and diagnoses and driving everybody crazy with it all I didn't want to add to it. Over the last week or two however I have thought about it quite a lot. I began talking more to a girl that I was in hospital with. Before you stop me right there and think "oh dear, that's going to go wrong" actually, it's never been more right. We both have Anorexia and BPD, we are using that to drag each other up and not down. As we said in discussion the other day, my weaknesses are her strengths and my strengths are her weaknesses at the moment. I have been struggling with my eating quite a bit before meeting up with *****, she was struggling with her moods. Since meeting up a lot my eating has got SO much better (I even went to pizza express yesterday, Pizza = MASSIVE fear food, worst fear food I have/had, and ate it in the restaurant too!) and her moods have settled a lot. We are both really quite content at the moment and using our own strengths and weaknesses to build up the other. I told the three people that I live with and my Dad and his girlfriend about my sexuality on Tuesday. Nobody batted an eyelid to it! I was so scared, I was dreading it I actually felt sick. The response was actually amazing, all of them said that they had their suspicions anyway (LOL) and that it doesn't matter who I am attracted to because they have never seen me as happy as I am now. To be honest, actually being open about my sexuality has made me a lot more happy as a person in general because I no longer feel like I am trying to be somebody that I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate when a male is good looking but I just don't see them in a relationship type way. I have known for a fair few years but chose not to tell people because of fear of being rejected, abandoned and judged. I can honestly say that now people know I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally be myself. I don't mean I'm running around shouting about the fact I like girls, I just feel more myself within myself if that makes sense? Maybe I didn't have to tell you how it all came about and I didn't need to share this with all of you but as I mentioned at the beginning, I do know of a lot of people who find themselves hiding who they are as a person and questioning their sexuality but refusing to face up to it and allow themselves happiness for fear of being judged. Believe me, I thought my family would go absolutely berserk about it but nobody really said a thing and haven't said anything since. It's been completely normal, yet I feel so much 'lighter' - so to speak - as a person. I'm no longer battling in my head as much as I was, I am happy. Some people may think being gay isn't normal but in my opinion (everybody has their own) I don't think it matters who or what you are attracted to as long as you are happy. So if anybody else out there is questioning anything like that themselves, or feeling like they don't know their identity, that is what happened with me and I am the happiest I have ever been. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. <3

My Gynaecology appointment went quite well but it did completely knock me off my feet for a couple of days, I got quite ill after it. ***** offered to come with me (this meant the world to me, she even cried because she said she didn't like seeing someone she cares so much about in so much pain) and so she stayed at my house the evening before and we got the bus in the morning. As we got in to the hospital I was taken into another room to have my blood pressure, pulse and temperature done. Then they turned around and said "right just your height and weight now then!" I'm not going to lie I did have a bit of a panic because I had drank loads of coffee to wake me up and hadn't been to the toilet at that point. Apparently I went "red like a lobster" haha. I just asked them if I could tell them my height and weight because I was still a bit weird about getting on other peoples scales and things like that. They were absolutely lovely about it, I was shaking I got myself in such a panic but the nurses were fantastic and reassured me that it was completely okay and they would just write down what I had told them. We then waited in the waiting room to be called through. When I went in there was the consultant, a medical student and a female nurse too. I was okay with that, I didn't think they were going to be doing any examinations or anything and it would just be a conversation. The consultant spoke to me about endometriosis, ordered blood tests to rule out Celiac and decided that a Laparoscopy is needed. They did a speculum examination which was absolutely horrible, degrading and painful. Thinking about it now is making me cringe. I came out of that appointment in that much pain that when I sat outside for a bit I ended up sat on the floor and could barely lift myself back up again. Then when I did I ended up back in the hospital vomiting. Then we came back from my appointment after stopping off for a Subway for lunch, got into bed and went to sleep for a few hours. That's what I did on Wednesday too, slept and slept and slept. Hot water bottles are a winner in these cases haha! I received a letter yesterday to say I have another appointment with my consultant on 5th November which is where they will set the date for my Laparoscopy. I am still really scared about it. My consultant told me that because I am underweight I am of a high increased risk of the instruments they use perforating my bowel and leaking into my blood vessels. My eating is okay now though, I still struggle with thoughts but my actions and attitude are ace! I've even stopped counting calories and weighing everything out. I do know the calories of most things anyway due to having had an eating disorder for so long but I am now mentally strong enough to push past that and just have what my body is telling me that I want and not what my anorexia is telling me is "safe". Yes I am still underweight but I am slowly making physical progress. Mental progress is great and my physical progress is slowly increasing too. I'm gaining life not weight! 

Also had Ophthalmology yesterday which to be honest was pointless. They did more tests with my eyes and didn't say anything different to what I already knew. In a nutshell, my eyes are buggered and nobody knows why. They are going to send their reports off to the consultant and his secretary and see if I need another appointment or further investigations. I don't really want another of those appointments anyway, they leave me feeling worse off than when I went in! Oh the irony, hahaha.

Soooooo that's me at the moment! Happy, hopeful and finally feeling a sense of freedom. Apart from feeling like I've got a golf ball in my mouth anyway, my wisdom tooth has became infected AGAIN but that's okay. Med students dream! Apart from that, it's all gravy baby, it's all good in the hood. I'm now off to go and sort out my chest of drawers and bed side table as they came yesterday but need to be filled :).

Quote of the day = "People can change. They just don't because it's easier not to. We're always waiting for our lives to begin, like figuring we'll be someone else someday. But what are we waiting for? All we have is now. Don't run from this."

Keeley. xx

:)

I haven't felt very well at all for a couple of days in regards to pain and I'm very drained and exhausted right now. Here are some photos with quotes :) 

Keeley. xx

Diary 4th Oct - Happy Days

I'm actually quite happy and content recently. Things are still a bit strange in the new house and it is taking a lot of adjustment but it's okay.

I went out today with a friend of mine who I hadn't seen since March when I left hospital. It was such a lovely day. We went around Birmingham for a while. I ate a yum yum in the middle of Birmingham in public whilst stood in the town centre, again this is something I never thought I was capable of actually doing.

 

The friend I was with is recovering from Anorexia too and is doing fantastically well, she's really inspired me to move forwards and fight. I did have a bit of a revelation in the bath this morning, I was washing my back and thought 'I really don't like how bony my back is' which was a pretty big deal for me. I also walked past a window and mirrors and stuff and saw my legs for how they really are and not what I normally perceive them to look like. Another achievement. I'm not meaning to blow my own trumpet or anything but I really feel like I am thriving in recovery right now and going from strength to strength. I even had margarine on my toast this morning, willingly/voluntarily, for the first time in at least 5 years! 

I'm seeing my friend again tomorrow, she is coming to my house and we are just going to sit and chill out and just watch films and stuff together. She makes me really happy and comfortable :). 

I'm actually on the train on the way home at the moment so thought I would update now whilst it's still relatively early and not like 12pm or anything! The train smells funny though, like alcohol and sweat. It's pretty gross haha! Anyway my stop is coming now so I'll be offffff. I'll update again tomorrow!

Quote of the day - "The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present." 

Lots of love, Keeley. xx

Diary 2nd Oct - OH MY LIFE MASSIVE HUGE ACHIEVEMENT YAAAAAAAAAAY

OH MY LIFE OH MY LIFE OH MY LIFE I JUST DID SOMETHING I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS THOUGHT I WOULD EVER DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

In the whole 9 (coming up for 10) years of a life with anorexia I would have never imagined I would do this. I JUST KICKED ANOREXIAS BACK SIDE THE BEST I EVER HAVE!

I had tea at 8pm (something I would NEVER do before because I have rules around eating times), I cooked it myself, I didn't weigh everything out (only the chicken and the pasta, I didn't weigh the Philadelphia or the vegetables), I went for the higher calorie philadelphia because it was the one that I wanted, NOT what anorexia wanted me to have, I cooked it without supervision, a perfectly acceptable 600 calorie meal AND ATE IT WITHOUT ANYBODY WATCHING ME AND I ATE IT ALL AND I COOKED IT MYSELF AND NOBODY WAS WITH ME AND I DIDN'T RESTRICT I FLIPPING WELL DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I can't even like express how I feel right now, this will do....

SKLJGKJSHKJSDLGHIUSDFHGVIJHJERAFJPDHJEARIDGHSTKJRLFGHXJTRFGIJERUTFG;TRHDKJLVKTJRLGHKERUTFHGITRHJGLKFEJRTHRFOKJTHOGBIJRFBJ YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY KISS MY BUM ANOREXIA YOU'VE JUST GONE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

YAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I'm like sat here CRYING with PRIDE. I'm PROUD OF MYSELF. I'M ACTUALLY GENUINELY REALLY FLIPPING PROUD OF MYSELF. STUFF YOU ANOREXIA, THIS GIRL IS GOING TO RECOVER AND KICK YOUR SKINNY BACK SIDE OUT OF HER LIFE! 

Quote of the day = "Anything is possible!"

Keeley. Xx

Bigggggggg update - I'M BACK!

I've said it twice already, once on here and once on www.wan2talk.co.uk but I'll say it again because I'm excited. I'M BACK! Oh my life it feels good! 

First of all and most importantly I would like to say a huge congratulations to Joe for completing the half marathon in 2 hours and 10 minutes. It's such a huge achievement and I now both myself and all others are immensely proud! I was pretty gutted about not being able to make it to the event due to all of this moving business but to find out how it went and the excitement about it really made me smile. Again, WELL DONE JOE!

Right, so I'm not actually entirely sure where to start... The removal van came yesterday at 8:55am and packed all the stuff into the back of the van and moved it all into the new place where I am now. I can't call this "home" yet because I don't feel entirely comfortable at the moment if I'm honest. I tend to take quite a while to actually settle and feel stable in places. 

I have a couple of confessions. An old friend visited whilst I was in the other house and he got a bit too "touchy feely" for my liking. It gave me a bit of a setback and I did unfortunately self harm. I'm not proud that I did that, I just don't see the point in lying to all of you and pretending everything is absolutely fantastic and life is great because in reality we all have slip ups sometimes. When it is a coping strategy you have used for a long period of time in situations like those it was just an impulsive reaction for me to do it as I used to do it a lot. However I did sit there afterwards and just stare at it, wondering why on earth I did it. I let someone win, again. They made my body feel horrid and then I went and hurt it some more. My body deserves love and affection, to be healthy and to be treated with respect. After all, it's the only one I'm ever going to get. You can change your body as much as you like but you can never actually leave it so you may as well keep it and respect it, love it. So yeah, that's my one incident which lead to a setback but it's an incident I have now put behind me and cut of all contact with the person involved. No more self harm for me, I'm so done with all that. 

Second confession. Another incident that left me feeling really on edge was actually yesterday morning just before we moved. I woke up, realised it was Monday and completely lost my mind. I got angry like never before and I just started kicking and punching everything in sight. I can't really remember the last time I got myself that worked up but it wasn't pleasant. I'm not justifying my actions in any way but I do feel like that was my "typical borderline reaction" to a change and lack of stability. However I refuse to justify my actions by blaming them on one of my diagnoses because at the end of the day I am still a person and I am fully capable of taking control of myself. So yeah, I sat on the bed at one point and punched the wall and then absolutely booted it so hard the room shook. **** came running back in at that point and threw me backwards and held me there to stop myself from hurting myself and calm me down. It just scared the absolute hell of me, being thrown across a bed was definitely not something I ever wanted to experience again. I know it wasn't meant in an aggressive way or for reasons that initially flew through my mind, it just really scared me and I screamed at her to get off me and told her I hated her. To be honest it wasn't until writing this out just that I actually realised it was to stop me from hurting myself or breaking anything else and there was no ulterior motives behind it. I genuinely thought she was going to hit me yet the being threw backwards across the bed made me think it was something else. Not from her, it was more just the feeling, I don't know I really can't explain it. To be honest it just numbed my emotions, I didn't know and still don't know how I feel about that. I've just gone numb. I know it was to stop me from hurting myself any more but I can't quite get my head around it and allow my emotions to accept that. If that even makes sense at all? 

So there are the two incidents. Apart from that it's not been too bad. It has been stressful but every move is to be honest, I just didn't cope with it very well at all. I'm here now though, in my new bedroom which I'm arranging so I feel comfortable and safe. My new bed is beautiful, I love it so much! I've kept the same mattress and bed itself but I have new duvet sets and a nice heavy blanket (I like heavy blankets they make me feel like I'm being cuddled haha) and all pretty pillows and cushions and things. I've just assembled my wardrobe in between writing this out as well but now I'm free for the evening I'll just pop bits here and there. My bedside table and chest of drawers aren't coming until the 10th-12th October though so there's not much I can put in here yet. I'll do what I can though! 

Overall things are pretty hectic and stressful all round but once the house is actually cleared and boxes are emptied things will settle. It is a nice house to be honest, it's just the change I don't like. However I am still trying hard and still managing okay. Well I must be okay, I still haven't had a cigarette and normally I would have dived straight for them lol! 8 days today and I still haven't had one, that's actually a pretty good achievement and I'm quite proud of myself. 

I'll update more tomorrow, I'll be on daily again now :).

Quote of the day = "Be strong enough to let go, and patient enough to wait for what you deserve"

Keeley. xx

Update

As of Monday/Tuesday I will actually be able to update daily again, at the moment I can only do it as and when my 3G signal is on as I have no wifi at home now. 

The packing is pretty much done now which is horrible to see, it's stressing me out with things being put in the bin that shouldn't be and I kind of slipped back into the mindset of "oh my life I swear everyone is out to get me" but I'm trying to work past that. There's all these new 'rules' for the new house. Such as we all eat the same meal at the same time in the same room. NOT HAPPENING. I never eat the same as everyone else, I have specific times I eat and the new dining room is flipping horrendous. It's seriously like my worst nightmare. We have been eating tea out for the last two days and apparently will be doing so until Monday. I'm not doing it. Once is okay, yesterday was following an argument about it but now to throw all those other days at me on top of everything else is just plain ridiculous. I swear people forget I actually have an eating disorder.

Apart from that, I'm fan dabby dozy! A little spaced out from the Quetiapine but still functioning (just about, haha)!

I'll update when I can, stay strong lovelies :)

"No road is long with good company"

Keeley. xx 

Quick update whilst I'm out and my 3G is working!

Just had the appointment with my ed nurse & psychiatrist. It was horrible, I cried and it takes a lot for me to cry. I wasn't admitted though and they didn't mention admission. I thought they were all giving up on me to be honest, they did actually say they have no clue what to do with me because I push people away too much when they try to help. Anyway, they've gave me another antipsychotic called Quetiapine just to help calm my anxieties whilst the move is happening and to help me sleep at night. It's only a low dose, no biggie. I have another appointment to see them at the end of October anyway for another review where hopefully we will be able to start working back up again as I will have faced my main anxieties that are impacti on my eating at the moment. I'm about to lose 3G, I'll update when I can! Big love to you all xxxxx

Diary 24th Sept - Helllooooooooooooooooo! I'M STILL HERE HAHA.

Oh my life. I don't know where to start, haha. My wifi has been playing up so I was updating my blog on my phone originally, now my charger has broken (why did Apple decide to change the iPhone 5 chargers?! Talk about being awkward, lol!) so I have another one on the way in the post. Now my wifi is working so I'm updating now whilst I can, apologies if it's all a bit all over the place at the moment.

 My days are packed right now, quite literally. Still sorting out everything with the house ready to move next week and running about here then and everywhere to Ikea, Next, B&Q, Starbucks (everybody needs coffee to function, hahaha) and different shops to get household things from. I've got lots for my room now and I'm looking forward to sorting it out. I'm still scared about the move, I'm just a bit more accepting of it now. It's going to happen either way and there is nothing I can do to change it so I've just got to put up and shut up and make the transition as easy as possible.

I've revamped my lifestyle too, and I actually feel a tiny bit better for it! I've quit smoking (difficult to do but I'm actually fine! Haven't had a cigarette for 3 days) and changed all my diet around so I have wheat/gluten/dairy free foods and drinks to help with inflammation from what is suspected to be endometriosis. My mood is a lot more settled since I've quit smoking, my pain is on a tolerable level *touch wood* for the moment and I'm not getting ridiculously bloated from inflammation after eating and drinking. I'm a happy little bean!

Had my appointment at the eye hospital this morning, been referred AGAIN to Orthoptics so they can examine the muscles in my eyes. They have decided they are either too weak or too strained and that's what is causing all of my headaches, double vision, lack of focus etc. So that's something else that will hopefully be sorted soon. 

Everything is on the up! I hope you are all battling through daily struggles and remaining strong :).

Quote of the day = "Be strong now 'cause things will get better, it might be stormy now but it can't rain forever."

Keeley. xx

Diary 21st Sept - Achieving

GUESS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT?! LIQUID CALORIES! So my friend came round, it was a Friday night and I thought 'hmm, I fancy a drink!' so we went round to Tesco and bought some alcohol. I was actually proud of myself for a couple of reasons:

1 - Liquid calories are a big fear

2 - I used to drink far too much as a way of coping, last night I just had two cans of Strongbow Pear Cider and drank those over the space of 4 hours, instead of drinking 1L in 5 minutes.

It was a really nice evening, it was good to just sit and have a giggle and a chat and a catch up in general. I actually did something a 'normal' (whatever that is) person of my age would do and I did it safely and I was happy. I didn't get drunk either, I just had two over the course of the evening and I was absolutely fine. AH I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF. 

I'm not condoning drinking in any way shape or form, it's just that it's been such a huge fear of mine for quite a while now and I managed it absolutely fine no problem. I did it to enjoy myself, not to numb the pain as I used to. I'm rambling away, I'm good at that haha.

That little thing with the feather (previous post) has been making me smile throughout the day too, I just thought it was lovely. 

I had a massssssssive fear food for tea which I even managed in front of people I'm not 100% comfortable eating in front of so tend to avoid around mealtimes. But I still did it.

THEN I HAD LEMON CAKE AS DESSERT. ANOTHER FEAR. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

I'm far too excitable (again) today, haha. My emotions are finally *touch wood* settled after the Micronor leaving my system. I'm just a happy little bunny today.

I hope you all are too :)!

Quote of the day = "Courage is the power of the mind to overcome fear." - Martin Luther King.

Keeley. xx

Hope

I was sat on my doorstep talking on the phone to my Dad telling him about my physical health problems, implications, worries and concerns etc, when this feather fell from I don't know where and hit me on my hand then rested gently in my lap. I was sat with my back against the door and a roof above my head and it fell straight from somewhere up above me. It couldn't have came from infront of me otherwise I'd have seen it as I was looking out onto the road. Daddy thinks I have a guardian angel watching over me :). 

I feel really hopeful, safe and peaceful right now. I thought I'd share this moment with you all. It's the little things in life that make me smile. 

So strange looking back on these, not sure how I feel at the moment! Pleased I'm not needing NG feeds now :)

Diary 20th Sept - Today's Day

I've just been looking at stuff for my new bedroom today. I didn't end up going shopping because my pain decided to make a reappearance which was a pain in the backside! The joys of what's to come at the end of the month, lol. 

I have an old friend coming over again any time now for a catch up which will be lovely, nice to have some company of an evening when everybody else is out. Sometimes I like being on my own, others I don't. To be honest, I don't like actually being 'on my own' as such. Just when I feel like I want to be alone I will sit by myself alone in the house but still when others are around. I really do not like being physically alone with absolute silence. 

I had a lovely chat with my Nan on the phone earlier too, she's giving me some of the stuff that she had in her old house from when I was little which will be lovely. I loved that house so so much so it'll be lovely to have little memories of both my nan and granddad, and the house too.  Except in my bedroom this time :)! It's going to be very comforting. 

I've been in a really sensible mood today, I've spoke about things sensibly without getting upset (regarding the laparoscopy etc) and haven't completely burst out crying over it. I mean, I'm 19. I should be working or at university, or travelling the world or something. Seeing things and going to places, enjoying social events. Instead I'm sat here daily trying to figure out the ways of how I will actually settle down and have my own family one day. That's not something I wanted to be doing until I'd travelled and became financially stable. Now I can't do any of that at the moment because of physical and mental health purposes, so I sit here with my thoughts rattling around about how I can actually make my dreams come true. In all honesty though I am quite proud of myself, I could have just took this as my opportunity to fail and give up completely. Sink back into depression and isolate myself away from everyone and everything. I haven't though, I've sat and used my time in a fairly productive way, figuring out my future and what I want to be doing and whether it's ever going to be actually possible to do it. Anything is possible though, sometimes you just have to take a different route to get to where you want to be. Nothing is impossible, even the word itself spells "I'm-possible."

Quote of the day = "Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes."

Keeley. xx

Diary 19th Sept - HAPPY!

Okay so I know it's a really weird thing to be happy about but it's such a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders! I just got back from the doctors regarding my scan results again. I've had a referral to gynaecology for 8th October with one of the top gynaecologists in my area and we will be discussing the laparoscopy and how/when things will be done. I FINALLY GOT SOMEWHERE YAY! For all I know, maybe it's just me getting my hopes up, but maybe I won't even have a painful period next month! I don't even know whether I'll have one at all depending on where they find the endometriosis because if it's my ovaries etc they'll all be removed/burnt so we will see. It's strange to be happy about it and kind of selfish I guess, but my menstruation is absolutely ridiculous and yeah I just, I don't know, I'm just so flipping happy that things are getting sorted and moving fast so soon! I could have saw someone before the 8th October but my Doctor booked me in with the best one. I know I always say it, but my GP is actually a flipping STAR! I'm saying "flipping" a lot, I'm that happy I could swear but hey I'll refrain from doing that on here haha. 

I've also been shopping for carpet and stuff for my bedroom today. I'm still really scared and nervous about it but things have settled a lot since we all had the "heated debate" shall we say, the other night. It does seem to have cleared the air a lot and my reasons behind being so scared and agitated about the move have finally been listened to and now I'm being helped. I won't actually be moving in at the same time as everyone else. We have the house I am in now until 4th October so I'll be going then at the latest. It's just until my room actually 'looks' like a bedroom and the wardrobe and furniture etc is in. I'm actually (I hate to admit it) getting quite excited now. I'm just all excitable in general tonight, things are finally moving in the right direction.

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS!!!!!! :D

Quote of the day = "Happiness is a journey, not a destination." 

Keeley. xx

Diary 18th Sept - Triggered

This evening I went out for tea (scary) but managed okay. I came back and had to sort out loads of forms from when I was an inpatient ready to be photocopied for benefits letters. It's really triggered me, I'm sat here like almost crying. I went on Facebook to try and distract myself and then saw photos of girls with NG Feeding Tubes and now I'm just numb but almost crying. Obviously I don't want to go back to that point where I needed NG feeding to save my life but I still find it difficult to see because its just a reminder of how I was. I guess I should be proud because I'm not like that now, I think it's just reminded me of how much weight I gained whilst in inpatient hospitals and especially seeing my weight charts. I'm just, meh. I don't know. My weight chart needed two pages :-(! I'm just ranting I'm going to make a coffee. I need a cuddle.

Quote of the day = "Forget where you were, focus on what is most important. Your life, your health and your being."

Keeley. xx

Update

I've been to look around the new house this morning, it was quite stressful doing it to be honest. Everything was just empty which got me quite annoyed because I was told the wardrobes and stuff would be in the bedrooms. I know that sounds like I'm being a spoilt brat but I'm genuinely not. It scared me because I associate empty rooms and spaces with instability because change and upheaval really scares me. 

I found out what that letter I had from my psychiatrist and ED nurse was for. It is my review meeting where medication and things will be discussed, my treatment will be reviewed with regards to if I need to be admitted to hospital etc. I won't be being admitted though I hope, I've gained weight since I was last weighed and as I haven't seen anybody since I was last weighed surely that must work in my favour. 

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to review the results of my scans again and to see where to go from there. A referral to gynaecology and a laparoscopy procedure is what I am hoping for. My doctor is really understanding and helpful though, I have regular meetings with him and I really appreciate how he has kept time to see me despite cutting his hours down so much due to retirement. He is fantastic, bless him. "Good old Dr P!" is what I always say when coming out of speaking with him! 

I haven't posted much on evenings for the last few days because I've been really tired and falling asleep ridiculously early and then when I've woke up it's been 3-4am and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. I've tried staying awake but I literally just can't stop myself from falling asleep early! At least I'm sleeping though I guess. It bugs me because professionals have said to me I need to get "better sleep hygiene" and "stop listening to obsessive thoughts and just sleep" like it's actually that easy!! Please excuse me whilst I grab the remote that syncs with my brain and just press the "power off" button. Haha, I could do with one of those sometimes actually! Couldn't we all?! 

I feel like I'm writing an absolute essay now, infact I've just been asked if I'm writing an essay because of the speed I am writing it all. My pain management has improved (for now) to the point where I can actually get out of bed and move around more. Going to look around the new house today was the first time I have been out in a couple of weeks to somewhere and actually stood around. That's probably why I fell asleep for two hours when I got back! It just exhausts me.

Anyway, essay over. I'll do another update this evening! :) 

Keeley. xx

Beautiful Song xx

Diary 16th Sept - University

A lot of hurtful things were said last night, and I mean A LOT. But hopefully it will have cleared the air a little in the long run.

I find this time of year really difficult with everyone going off to university. Either people I went to school with going in to their second year or people just beginning. I didn't go to 6th form or college due to being in hospital and it gets me quite upset now seeing so many people going off and doing things whilst I'm still sat here doing nothing. I've wasted so much of my life, at a part of my life which would have decided my future but I wasn't around to do any of it. It just makes me sad, yet I sort of want to cry to everyone and beg them not to waste so much of their life with mental illness the way I did because I ruined my career and future with mine. There's something out there for everyone though, I just have to find my purpose.

Quote of the day = "Spend your life with who makes you happy, not who you feel you have to impress." 

Keeley. xx

HAHAHAHAHA :') 

Diary 14th Sept - ...

Bored out of my skull drifting in and out of sleep all day. I'm having some kind of CSI marathon though, got alllll of the series from series one to the recent one and this set has 15.3hours on it so that'll keep me entertained lol! I had a bath earlier, I had to have my hair washed for me but hey it was nice to actually get in the bath. Now I'm just tired again. I'm also rambling.

Quote of the day = "Never be ashamed of a scar, it simply means that you are stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."

Keeley. xx

Rebuilding Strength And Immunity

Protein from yoghurt & vitamins from orange, banana & apple. My immune system needs a kick up the back side.

TESCO! (Every little helps) 

;) 

Diary 13th Sept - Friday 13th Oooooo Superstitious!

Time to be truthful. I've been banging on about being in pain for ages, truth is I haven't moved out of bed for about a week now except to go to the toilet and then for my scans yesterday. I'm tired, I'm aching, I'm in pain and I'm getting weaker by the day. Mentally I'm remaining strong, physically my body is clearly just hating on me at the moment. Doctors have no clue what's going on although I will be getting a referral to Gynaecology on Thursday where I will hopefully have a laparoscopy done to find out what's going on. My legs are burning and throbbing,  I have persistent 'pulling' kind of pains, I'm tired and I just generally have no energy. I'm still eating but even my meals are having to be spoon fed as I have grown so weak. Just for the record, I've been typing this for 30 minutes already. I don't want sympathy or anything, I'm just apologising for the lack of posts/long posts and explaining the reasons why. Everything just aches and hurts and painkillers aren't doing a thing.

On my last diary entry post (11th September) I wrote about being dropped on my bum by professionals. Well I had a letter today and I now have an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist and ED nurse on 26th September which has annoyed me a little because I haven't even seen anyone and now all of a sudden I have that meeting. It's the meeting I was told would happen if I refused treatment/wouldn't comply and needed to be admitted to hospital either voluntarily or under the mental health act again. I'm hoping it's all just some massive misunderstanding because I have left several calls and messages to which none of them have been replied to. I'm scared about the appointment but then again I don't really have much reason to be because I've still been gaining and on my bad days I make sure I eat enough to at least maintain. To be honest, the way I've been feeling recently anyway and the fact I haven't seen anybody for ages it would have been really easy for me just to plummet in weight because nobody has been there to monitor it. I've fought my way through on my own though and you know what? I'm PROUD of that. I've felt terrible physically and still kept my mental strength up. 

Life is a rollercoaster, it has its ups and downs but you just have to make sure you stay on the track and don't fall off. Besides, imagine looking back at some point in the future and thinking "WOW, I really was a lot stronger than I thought!" You may feel weak but one day you won't feel the way you do right now. Right here, right this second, you can begin to turn things around. Every second of the day is a new chance to turn things around. If you keep looking for "the perfect moment" you will never find it. You could always find more reasons to justify staying the way you are when you feel hopeless so you may as well begin now. Begin now, start with a smile and push forward. Push past the obstacles and the barriers than get in your way, step over them jump over them go around them or through them as long as you leave them behind you.

Quote of the day - "You are loved, you are lovely and you are not alone."

Keeley. xx

Diary 11th Sept - Fighting Alone

I've pretty much came to the conclusion that I'm fighting alone again without the aid of professional input. I haven't heard from my social worker despite several calls and messages being left for her and I haven't heard from my ED nurse for 5 weeks either, again despite several calls and messages being left. Nobody has gotten back to me so I'll just keep plodding along by myself and doing what I can. I'm managing, I'm okay. I'm not going to lie and say everything is fantastic and I'm doing really well because it is a daily struggle. However it is a daily struggle that I can and will get through. It doesn't matter how you get through the day as long as you get through it. I'm not sure whether any of you remember one of my previous posts about getting through the days which you feel you can no longer endure but it is true. So far my success rate is 100% and I fully intend to keep it that way! I still have my support at home so that's something. It's just my chance to prove myself.

Recovery isn't easy, it's difficult but it will be worth it. There's a life out there for everybody and one that is well worth fighting through the dark days for. I've had my taster of it, I left hospital and got a job, began walking again, exercised healthily, enjoyed food without unbearable guilt. Then it crept back in a little which resulted in things going wrong. To be completely honest, I'm tired of the stigma of being "mentally unwell" and that alone is something I remind myself on my off days. I'm tired of the looks and the stares from random passers by, although I'm not entirely sure why on earth I get them as I look loads better than I did. I guess some people are just judgemental but hey that's there choice, I'm not recovering for the sake of anybody else I am doing it for me. People can say and think what they like, this is my life, my mindset, and I'm damn well fighting to get back to a sense of normality again. 

I have my Ultrasound tomorrow for the scan of my ovaries. I'm really nervous now as it's only 9 hours away (it's 23:36pm here in the UK at this very moment). I woke up this morning with a horrible pain in my groin and kind of felt something just "drop", now I have a nice big lump which has grown throughout the day and become extremely tender and sore. It's the same pain/pressure I get when the cysts in my ovaries burst but never have I had a great big lump like this one. I was going to go to the doctors but didn't really see the point as they would just tell me to wait and see what gets said during my Ultrasound tomorrow so that's what I'm going to do. I won't get the results straight away but they tell you anyway if there's cysts visible (which I already know there is because I had one not that long ago) and then they measure them on the screen and see how many there are. I'm just intrigued as to know what on earth that lump is and if it is a cyst, then how big it is! Mighty big one if it is another cyst, which is really nerve racking and quite upsetting to be honest because mine are IN my ovaries not ON them, so if that one bursts my ovary is going with it too. It's just one of those things I guess, there's nothing I can do about it I just have to wait and see what gets said tomorrow and what gets said when I get the results back so as hard as it is there's no point stressing over the unknown. In fact, more often than not the unknown is actually so much worse than actually knowing!  

So that's it from me this evening, I'll keep you all posted on how tomorrow goes :).

Quote of the day = "Life is a series of steps. Things are done gradually. Once in a while there is a giant step, but most of the time we are taking small, seemingly insignificant steps on the stairway of life."

Keeley. xx

Sorry

Sorry no post yesterday, this is how I feel and it's hurting to move AGAIN. Finally got my scan tomorrow, thank The Lord. 

Diary 9th Sept - Thoughts & Actions

Not a lot has really happened since I updated you all earlier. I've had impulsions but haven't acted on them. I've had compulsions and acted on SOME. My compulsions are just silly little things like tapping objects a certain number of times and keep tapping until it "feels okay." I can't really explain, I know it sounds silly but when I think about it it makes me shiver! I literally just shivered even just writing about them. AND AGAIN. Haha, right yeah I'll change the subject. 

My mood today has been fairly settled, although my anger issues seem to be cropping up a bit at the moment. I've spoke to professionals about it and they have said it's just because of my fear of change so I am extra sensitive at the moment and snappy. I can be fine and settled then someone will say the wrong thing or comment on whatever I do (seems to be the way recently) and I'll just snap at them. Then I get angry and shaky and just generally really frustrated. It does make my BPD play up too, and my OCD and also my Anorexia. They all kind of get hell bent on making me agitated. My BPD makes my mood just switch (again, this was settled but it's cropping up now because of the move), which then makes my OCD play up because I get anxious, which in turn makes my Anorexia play me up because I get the whole "If you don't eat it'll make everything better, you'll be in control" but that's really not the way it works. You think you're in control when really it's in control of you. However I am still eating enough to maintain, I calm down eventually without doing anything destructive and my OCD, well that's just compulsions and I often do them without realising. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I am working on the compulsions that I am aware that I have but others I don't even realise I do until somebody else points it out. Eventually I will work on the ones that I am less aware of, which will be difficult because if I'm not aware I'm doing them then how am I supposed to stop myself?! Oh well, cross that bridge when it comes to it I guess :). 

Quote of the day = "We are all strangers to our hidden potential until we confront problems that reveal our true capabilities." 

Keeley. xx

Sorry!

Apologies that there was no blog post yesterday/diary update, my WI-FI was down and 3G on my phone was going havoc and switching itself on and off as and when it wanted to so I left it in the end. 

The house is pretty much all in boxes and bags now, which is quite upsetting but I'm okay. Not long until we move now... Have to stay strong! Change and upheaval has always been a massive fear of mine as I like consistency, I get really stressed out when everything gets moved and packed and everything is everywhere. I think it just upsets me a little because I've lived my life out of bags and boxes for far too long now. Either through constant moving houses, moving out of places and into others, going into hospital and being transferred etc. I just want somewhere where I can finally settle! I thought I had found that here, but now we are moving from here to another place. 

I'm rambling on, I'm just sat in the lounge watching more boxes being packed. I don't want anything to do with the move or helping pack or anything. Not because I'm lazy, just because as I said - I hate things being in bags and boxes and everything everywhere and all over the place. 

I'm going to stop there but that's just a quick update for you. 

I got accepted onto the Health Sciences degree too! :) Something to look forward to. I begin in February. 

Keeley. xx

Diary 7th Sept - Decisions

Pretty tough decisions have been made today. In a nut shell, after several tears myself and **** have decided to put the weight restoration process on hold for a while. I have been getting extremely stressed out with having to gain weight but it going up and down then up a bit down more back up bla bla bla, then the issues with my ovaries/suspected Endometriosis. My weight constantly fluctuating through my panicking when I gain what I see as "too much" in one go causes me to then lose it all again plus more because it scares me how fast I can actually gain. Anyway, my weight doing that is causing my health to deteriorate further. So we have decided that I can control my diet (she's going to trust me to manage it myself) and I have to maintain at the best. If I gain, even better, but I'm not allowed to drop anymore because obviously further weight loss will cause more health problems. This needs to be ran by with my ED nurse of course, which to be honest she will probably laugh at the idea, but for now until I next see her that's how we are going to do things. I will also be getting spot weighed at home. I'm not giving up on recovery at all, I'm not giving up on the process of it. I just feel that putting it on hold even if it is just for a few days where I can maintain my weight will relieve some of the stress I am having from my health issues. It all built up a lot and it was dragging me down so we agreed for now to see how things go. I'm nervous of course as I could use it to my advantage and just lose weight and lie about everything. In the long run however that is only going to make things worse so I won't do that. I just need all of my scans and everything out of the way before I can fully focus on what else needs to be done. Please don't think I'm giving up and I've lost motivation because hand on heart that is NOT the reason at all. It is actually so I have more mental energy to focus on my health which needs to be sorted first and foremost. I'm still recovering, I will still continue to move forward in my recovery, I'm just going to maintain for a while and see how that goes in regards to helping my health. I'm a fighter, I'm a warrior & I'm a soldier, I will NOT be giving up :). 

None of the above will be affecting me supporting all of you out there though, not in the slightest! None of your struggles or anything you wish to talk about are a burden to me in the slightest. I love helping others, I just meant it all in regards to weight restoration and my health. Nothing else will be changing at all and I am still completely mentally strong enough to guide you all! That I promise you. 

Now I'm off to watch a film and snuggle up on the sofa with my blanket, nice relaxing evening!

Quote of the day = "a real person isn't perfect, and a perfect person isn't real."

Keeley. xx

Guide To Being Anorexic - A Parable (Not mine, but I wish someone had told me this before I developed Anorexia at aged 10)

Reprinted from Eating Disorders Recovery Today
Summer 2002 Volume 1, Number 2
©2002 Gürze Books

This is the story of Heather, a 13-year-old girl who wanted to become anorexic. Naturally being 17 and having dealt with it in my past, I was all too happy to lend her my advice. "Give me a day with her," I told Heather's mother, who was worried sick. She agreed.

"I hear you want to become anorexic," I said as we drove to my place. "Yeah, so what? Don't try to tell me all the bad things about it and how it will kill me and . . . "

"Oh no. You've got me all wrong. I'm here to welcome you into the club!" She looked at me with shock and amazement.

"What are you talking about?"

"I said I'm here to welcome you to the club. I was anorexic once. Now I just recruit new girls."

When we got to my place I gave her a pen and paper. "Now write down everything you enjoy and love in life." She looked at me blankly. "Go ahead." She did as I told her.

While she was writing, the phone rang. It was Shawna. She and Nikki were going out for pizza and wanted to know if I would come. I told them about Heather and that I wanted her to come, too. They said fine and I got ready to go.

"All done," she said.

"Let's see. You've got friends, family, and guys. Is that all? Let's put down life and your future too. Okay?" She nodded. "Now we're going out with some of my friends to eat pizza. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," she said smiling. I slipped the paper into my purse as we left for the pizza place.

When we arrived, Shawna and Nikki were waiting a a table with the pizza. We sat down and I reached for a slice. Heather also reached for one. "You can't do that remember? You're anorexic," I said to her pushing back her hand.

"But you're eating!" she exclaimed.

"That's beside the point. Anyway, I just recruit anorexics now, I'm not one."

"UH!" She slouched back in her chair. In a few minutes, five young teens walked in. They all seemed to recognize Heather and came over. "Hey!" she exclaimed.

"Are you Heather's friends?" I asked.

"Yeah. You wanna sit with us, Heather?" one of them asked. Heather started to get up but I held her arm.

"I'm sorry but she can't hang out with you," I said returning to my pizza.

"Why?" one of the others exclaimed.

"Because she's anorexic now and she can't have friends," I said.

"What are you talking about?" Heather shouted.

"No need to get upset. You may as well start out right. Anorexics don't have time for friends. Do they Nikki?"

"No, you didn't have time for us when you were anorexic," Nikki agreed.

"Sorry Heather, but anorexia is your only friend now. You want to stay thin don't you?" She lowered her head.

On the drive home I went very slowly. We passed a couple on a bridge kissing softly. "You see that Heather?"

"Yeah."

"Well, mark guys off your list. You won't have any now."

"Don't anorexics have boyfriends?"

"Some do. But they don't really have time for love. They're too busy thinking about their weight."

An old woman

Then we passed an old woman sitting on her front porch. "Look, Heather. At least you won't have to worry about being like that." I said.

"But she looks happy," Heather said.

"True but you won't be happy or old."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You'll die before you're old enough to even have a future. Speaking of which, get that piece of paper out of my purse, will you?" She did as I asked. "Okay. Now take the pen in the dashboard and mark off friends, guys, life, and future." She looked up at me.

"All that's left is family!"

I looked at her. "Mark that off, too."

"WHAT!" She screamed.

"Well you can't expect to love them can you?" I said.

"I love my family, okay? And if you can't deal with that I don't care!" She began banging her fist into the door. By that time I had stopped in front of her house.

"But you won't have time for them."

"Don't tell me that because I will! I will have time and you know why? Because you're crazy! Being thin isn't worth all that!" She yelled as she got out of the car and slammed the door.

That's the story of how Heather found out about anorexia. (Not a true story but it's something I wish had happened to me before I became anorexic.)