First of all and most importantly I would like to say a huge congratulations to Joe for completing the half marathon in 2 hours and 10 minutes. It's such a huge achievement and I now both myself and all others are immensely proud! I was pretty gutted about not being able to make it to the event due to all of this moving business but to find out how it went and the excitement about it really made me smile. Again, WELL DONE JOE!
Right, so I'm not actually entirely sure where to start... The removal van came yesterday at 8:55am and packed all the stuff into the back of the van and moved it all into the new place where I am now. I can't call this "home" yet because I don't feel entirely comfortable at the moment if I'm honest. I tend to take quite a while to actually settle and feel stable in places.
I have a couple of confessions. An old friend visited whilst I was in the other house and he got a bit too "touchy feely" for my liking. It gave me a bit of a setback and I did unfortunately self harm. I'm not proud that I did that, I just don't see the point in lying to all of you and pretending everything is absolutely fantastic and life is great because in reality we all have slip ups sometimes. When it is a coping strategy you have used for a long period of time in situations like those it was just an impulsive reaction for me to do it as I used to do it a lot. However I did sit there afterwards and just stare at it, wondering why on earth I did it. I let someone win, again. They made my body feel horrid and then I went and hurt it some more. My body deserves love and affection, to be healthy and to be treated with respect. After all, it's the only one I'm ever going to get. You can change your body as much as you like but you can never actually leave it so you may as well keep it and respect it, love it. So yeah, that's my one incident which lead to a setback but it's an incident I have now put behind me and cut of all contact with the person involved. No more self harm for me, I'm so done with all that.
Second confession. Another incident that left me feeling really on edge was actually yesterday morning just before we moved. I woke up, realised it was Monday and completely lost my mind. I got angry like never before and I just started kicking and punching everything in sight. I can't really remember the last time I got myself that worked up but it wasn't pleasant. I'm not justifying my actions in any way but I do feel like that was my "typical borderline reaction" to a change and lack of stability. However I refuse to justify my actions by blaming them on one of my diagnoses because at the end of the day I am still a person and I am fully capable of taking control of myself. So yeah, I sat on the bed at one point and punched the wall and then absolutely booted it so hard the room shook. **** came running back in at that point and threw me backwards and held me there to stop myself from hurting myself and calm me down. It just scared the absolute hell of me, being thrown across a bed was definitely not something I ever wanted to experience again. I know it wasn't meant in an aggressive way or for reasons that initially flew through my mind, it just really scared me and I screamed at her to get off me and told her I hated her. To be honest it wasn't until writing this out just that I actually realised it was to stop me from hurting myself or breaking anything else and there was no ulterior motives behind it. I genuinely thought she was going to hit me yet the being threw backwards across the bed made me think it was something else. Not from her, it was more just the feeling, I don't know I really can't explain it. To be honest it just numbed my emotions, I didn't know and still don't know how I feel about that. I've just gone numb. I know it was to stop me from hurting myself any more but I can't quite get my head around it and allow my emotions to accept that. If that even makes sense at all?
So there are the two incidents. Apart from that it's not been too bad. It has been stressful but every move is to be honest, I just didn't cope with it very well at all. I'm here now though, in my new bedroom which I'm arranging so I feel comfortable and safe. My new bed is beautiful, I love it so much! I've kept the same mattress and bed itself but I have new duvet sets and a nice heavy blanket (I like heavy blankets they make me feel like I'm being cuddled haha) and all pretty pillows and cushions and things. I've just assembled my wardrobe in between writing this out as well but now I'm free for the evening I'll just pop bits here and there. My bedside table and chest of drawers aren't coming until the 10th-12th October though so there's not much I can put in here yet. I'll do what I can though!
Overall things are pretty hectic and stressful all round but once the house is actually cleared and boxes are emptied things will settle. It is a nice house to be honest, it's just the change I don't like. However I am still trying hard and still managing okay. Well I must be okay, I still haven't had a cigarette and normally I would have dived straight for them lol! 8 days today and I still haven't had one, that's actually a pretty good achievement and I'm quite proud of myself.
I'll update more tomorrow, I'll be on daily again now :).
Quote of the day = "Be strong enough to let go, and patient enough to wait for what you deserve"
Keeley. xx
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