To be honest, I'm not even entirely sure where to start. Things have been, well, GREAT! Recovery is going absolutely fantastic, I've met someone very special (explained later on) and I had my Gynaecology appointment on Tuesday then Ophthalmology yesterday.
It all kind of falls together to be honest, with the "someone very special" and the appointments and recovery being great right now.
I think I'll start this way... Many people who have been a victim of abuse tend to question their sexuality at some point or another. Whether they question it before, during, or after, I do know of a lot of people that have found themselves more attracted to the same sex. I for one, tried to convince myself that I was interested in males because I felt it was more "normal" and I was scared I was going to let people down. After having so many hospital admissions and diagnoses and driving everybody crazy with it all I didn't want to add to it. Over the last week or two however I have thought about it quite a lot. I began talking more to a girl that I was in hospital with. Before you stop me right there and think "oh dear, that's going to go wrong" actually, it's never been more right. We both have Anorexia and BPD, we are using that to drag each other up and not down. As we said in discussion the other day, my weaknesses are her strengths and my strengths are her weaknesses at the moment. I have been struggling with my eating quite a bit before meeting up with *****, she was struggling with her moods. Since meeting up a lot my eating has got SO much better (I even went to pizza express yesterday, Pizza = MASSIVE fear food, worst fear food I have/had, and ate it in the restaurant too!) and her moods have settled a lot. We are both really quite content at the moment and using our own strengths and weaknesses to build up the other. I told the three people that I live with and my Dad and his girlfriend about my sexuality on Tuesday. Nobody batted an eyelid to it! I was so scared, I was dreading it I actually felt sick. The response was actually amazing, all of them said that they had their suspicions anyway (LOL) and that it doesn't matter who I am attracted to because they have never seen me as happy as I am now. To be honest, actually being open about my sexuality has made me a lot more happy as a person in general because I no longer feel like I am trying to be somebody that I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate when a male is good looking but I just don't see them in a relationship type way. I have known for a fair few years but chose not to tell people because of fear of being rejected, abandoned and judged. I can honestly say that now people know I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally be myself. I don't mean I'm running around shouting about the fact I like girls, I just feel more myself within myself if that makes sense? Maybe I didn't have to tell you how it all came about and I didn't need to share this with all of you but as I mentioned at the beginning, I do know of a lot of people who find themselves hiding who they are as a person and questioning their sexuality but refusing to face up to it and allow themselves happiness for fear of being judged. Believe me, I thought my family would go absolutely berserk about it but nobody really said a thing and haven't said anything since. It's been completely normal, yet I feel so much 'lighter' - so to speak - as a person. I'm no longer battling in my head as much as I was, I am happy. Some people may think being gay isn't normal but in my opinion (everybody has their own) I don't think it matters who or what you are attracted to as long as you are happy. So if anybody else out there is questioning anything like that themselves, or feeling like they don't know their identity, that is what happened with me and I am the happiest I have ever been. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. <3
My Gynaecology appointment went quite well but it did completely knock me off my feet for a couple of days, I got quite ill after it. ***** offered to come with me (this meant the world to me, she even cried because she said she didn't like seeing someone she cares so much about in so much pain) and so she stayed at my house the evening before and we got the bus in the morning. As we got in to the hospital I was taken into another room to have my blood pressure, pulse and temperature done. Then they turned around and said "right just your height and weight now then!" I'm not going to lie I did have a bit of a panic because I had drank loads of coffee to wake me up and hadn't been to the toilet at that point. Apparently I went "red like a lobster" haha. I just asked them if I could tell them my height and weight because I was still a bit weird about getting on other peoples scales and things like that. They were absolutely lovely about it, I was shaking I got myself in such a panic but the nurses were fantastic and reassured me that it was completely okay and they would just write down what I had told them. We then waited in the waiting room to be called through. When I went in there was the consultant, a medical student and a female nurse too. I was okay with that, I didn't think they were going to be doing any examinations or anything and it would just be a conversation. The consultant spoke to me about endometriosis, ordered blood tests to rule out Celiac and decided that a Laparoscopy is needed. They did a speculum examination which was absolutely horrible, degrading and painful. Thinking about it now is making me cringe. I came out of that appointment in that much pain that when I sat outside for a bit I ended up sat on the floor and could barely lift myself back up again. Then when I did I ended up back in the hospital vomiting. Then we came back from my appointment after stopping off for a Subway for lunch, got into bed and went to sleep for a few hours. That's what I did on Wednesday too, slept and slept and slept. Hot water bottles are a winner in these cases haha! I received a letter yesterday to say I have another appointment with my consultant on 5th November which is where they will set the date for my Laparoscopy. I am still really scared about it. My consultant told me that because I am underweight I am of a high increased risk of the instruments they use perforating my bowel and leaking into my blood vessels. My eating is okay now though, I still struggle with thoughts but my actions and attitude are ace! I've even stopped counting calories and weighing everything out. I do know the calories of most things anyway due to having had an eating disorder for so long but I am now mentally strong enough to push past that and just have what my body is telling me that I want and not what my anorexia is telling me is "safe". Yes I am still underweight but I am slowly making physical progress. Mental progress is great and my physical progress is slowly increasing too. I'm gaining life not weight!
Also had Ophthalmology yesterday which to be honest was pointless. They did more tests with my eyes and didn't say anything different to what I already knew. In a nutshell, my eyes are buggered and nobody knows why. They are going to send their reports off to the consultant and his secretary and see if I need another appointment or further investigations. I don't really want another of those appointments anyway, they leave me feeling worse off than when I went in! Oh the irony, hahaha.
Soooooo that's me at the moment! Happy, hopeful and finally feeling a sense of freedom. Apart from feeling like I've got a golf ball in my mouth anyway, my wisdom tooth has became infected AGAIN but that's okay. Med students dream! Apart from that, it's all gravy baby, it's all good in the hood. I'm now off to go and sort out my chest of drawers and bed side table as they came yesterday but need to be filled :).
Quote of the day = "People can change. They just don't because it's easier not to. We're always waiting for our lives to begin, like figuring we'll be someone else someday. But what are we waiting for? All we have is now. Don't run from this."
Keeley. xx
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