Diary 27th Aug - STRESSFUL DAY

STRESSFUL DAY! Painkillers aren’t working which is driving me crazy and then I had a phone call saying my outpatient ED nurse isn’t in again this week so next time I see her it would have been 4 weeks and it also means another weigh in with my social worker. Which I don’t mind as such, it’s just difficult.

Which scares me but hey I’m sure I’ll be fine. Just have to keep being strong, following my diet plan and proving to people that I CAN do this! If I ever had a chance I’m sure this is it, so I’ll prove I can and I will.

Sooo tomorrow is the 28th which will be the anniversary of the evening I was raped (even though it was veering 3am on the morning of 29th) so I’m a little anxious. **** tried to get the night off of work but she couldn’t so I’m going to be on my own. Distraction techniques are failing miserably because I can’t see properly so I can’t knit or read without feeling sick and getting horrible headaches, can’t draw because of concentration having the same effects and I’m just generally too achy to do much else. Still not allowed to do any sports which I’m gutted about.

It’s been getting me down quite a bit recently if I’m honest as the only reason I want to do it is genuinely for enjoyment and nothing else! Oh well, something to work towards I guess.

That’s my moaning done for the day otherwise I’ll end up going off on a tangent, but yeah today has consisted of frustration and lots of tears. Now I just have to sit and think about how I’m going to distract myself tomorrow! I am very nervous now but I’m determined to get through it sensibly this year rather than the last two years where I’ve been in hospital.

I wish I didn’t have OCD, I always remember exact times and dates (my obsession is with counting, numbers and things feeling ‘the same and even’) so I can’t just shake those off that easily. However I did have my letter come through today about my appointment with psychology so we can begin to make it more bearable! My anxiety has been quite high the last few days which then makes my obsessive thoughts and counting even worse. I can’t really explain it and I find if I talk about it too much then it becomes more prominent so I’ll stop there on that topic.

Next topic, I’m tireddddddddddddd!

Next topic… My coffee has gone cold

Next topic… I just sneezed hahahahaha WUPSY.

OH OH OH OH OH MY LEG HAS CAME BACK TO LIFE BY THE WAY! It’s on and off and very painful when I can actually feel it but at least I can feel it. Although sometimes I’m not sure which I prefer!

Mum has asked me to go round hers on Thursday for a girlie day/evening which should be fun! I’m quite looking forward to it if it goes ahead. We’ll see, I hope so. I miss my baby sister too! I need sloppy kisses and cuddles from her! She makes me smile when I see her and when I see photos of her on Facebook my heart just melts.
 She’s beautiful. Then again, both of my sisters are! My other sister is in Devon with my Dad and his girlfriend at the moment and they seem to be having a really enjoyable time.
I’m sad that I can’t be there but it’s lovely to hear of them having so much fun and I’ve heard some pretty hilarious stories haha.

On that brighter note, I’m going to go and put a DVD on maybe. Not entirely sure which one yet, I swear we literally have 300 easily! Although the majority of them are in boxes as we are moving house (only 5 minutes up the road) at the end of next month. So yeah, that’s my day in a nutshell. I’ll keep you updated and let you know how I get on tomorrow. Wish me luck! :]

Quote of the day

“You did nothing wrong, so tell me why are you punishing yourself? You deserve better than all of this.”

Keeley. xx

Diary 26th Aug - BANK HOLIDAY MONDAY

Today’s entry is actually something that I wrote quite a few years back but wanted to share with you all…

To every girl & guy who gossiped about me in the corners of school...To those who were a slap in the face...To all the close-minded or misunderstanding...To those who broke my heart...You all challenged me to become the person I wanted to be. I am stronger because of what you put me through... & no matter what you've done to me you have unknowingly done so much for me.

ANYWAAAY.

As I've grown, I've learned several things. Life is full of disappointments & people you trusted will sooner or later let you down. I've learned that often those you love will love someone else & there's only one way to fall; fast & hard.

I've learned that out of thousands of smiles, it takes one to touch your heart. I've found that words can be deceiving, but the truth always lies in a person's eyes.
 I've learned that everything can change in the blink of an eye & tears often come without invitation.

I've learned crying can make us stronger & there is never too much love to go around. I've learned that prejudice helps no one & that weapons don't hurt people, people hurt people.

I've learned sticks & stones may leave cuts and bruises but harsh words leave scars. I've found that every time you give someone a piece of your heart, it's a piece that you will never get back.

I've learned the past is meant to be put behind us & we can't dwell on regrets, for what's done is done. I've learned that trusting yourself is the first step & that forgiving is remembering that helps your own heart more than theirs. I've found that family isn't always blood & everyone is someone's hero.

I've learned life is unexpected & that anyone can do anything. I've learned some things aren't meant to be understood & that only time heals. I've found that imagination is our greatest gift & that we are meant to dream for a reason.

 I've learned it is never too late to fall in love & that being "beautiful" is all on the inside. Mistakes are our best teachers & everything happens for a reason.

Only then can you live life to its full & true potential. There is no person in the world who is made to handle every punch that’s thrown at them. We aren’t made that way. We`re made to get mad, upset, sad, be hurt, stumble & fall.
We aren’t supposed to be able to handle everything. But that’s what makes us stronger in the end, by learning from the things that hurt us most.


Quote of the day

'it's impossible' said pride. 'It’s risky.' said experience. 'It’s pointless' said reason. 'Give it a try' whispered the heart…”

Keeley. xx

Diary 25th Aug - Getting through the day

Okay day today! Spent the day in bed drifting in and out of sleep again though. Just to clarify, this isn’t because I’m depressed or really low in mood or anything,

I’ve just been in quite a lot of pain recently and it’s tiring me out. It keeps me awake all night (had no sleep whatsoever again last night!) and then still hurts in the day but I sleep a little better because of exhaustion. My mood is fine, I’m not relapsing into depression again! I was sat thinking about it earlier and realised how me keep posting that I’ve just slept all day could come across as me not doing very well and sinking back into depression but that couldn’t be any further from the truth. I’m actually quite content at the moment, I still have my mood swings quite a bit but I’m not low in mood in general.

Tonight I plan to hopefully do some knitting again, I had to undo the whole thing because I’d lost loads of stitches along the line, damn eyesight! Can’t wait for my appointment with the eye hospital to come through. I’m just a mess really! Or as I’ve been told – “A medical students dream” hahaha.

Still trying to think of what I can do on Wednesday evening/Thursday morning (anniversary date of rape) but to be honest I actually think I’ll be okay. I’m getting a little more anxious as the day draws nearer but that’s just because it’ll be the first anniversary of it that I haven’t been in hospital.

I just put my headphones and blast some angry music when I get anxious/agitated though, so I’ll probably be doing a lot of that! I know it’s not an angry song but at the moment I am LOVING ‘Avicii – Wake Me Up’. The video to it makes me smile and makes me feel really peaceful as it shows a lady galloping a horse across a field. I used to do horse riding and riding a horse like that is truly the most freeing feeling I have ever experienced. I’m sat here smiling now just thinking about it!

Also had a lovely phone call with an old friend and a catch up which was fab, put a perfect end to the evening. Now I’m just going to sit and read, maybe knit, with a coffee.

Overall, a pretty smiley Keeley today!

Quote of the day

 “After a while I looked in the mirror and realised… Wow. After all those hurts, scars and bruises, after all of those trials. I really made it through.
I did it.
I survived that which I thought was supposed to end me. So I straightened my crown, and walked away like a boss.”


Keeley xx

Diary 24th Aug - Firemen OMG

Today started off pretty well.
I went food shopping in the morning and oh my life did it feel good to get out of the house! I don’t purposely seclude myself and avoid people or anything anymore, it’s just a case of not having much to go out for and having to save the money that I do have so I can afford driving lessons and things.
I quite enjoyed my morning really! Also, I saw some REALLY good looking firemen on my way back from shopping. DAY MADE.

Slept for a couple of hours this afternoon because I didn’t get to sleep until early hours of this morning, I got side tracked by knitting and drawing. WUPSY. Turns out I’ll be doing the same tonight though as my leg has now decided that it wants to go on me again and I can’t feel it.

Hopefully it’ll be okay again in a couple of days, I have my fingers toes and eyes crossed! I was really annoyed about it but then I figured that stressing over it and getting wound up isn’t going to bring the feeling back any sooner so I may as well just get on with things the best that I can. I still have my wheelchair from before and I’m still fully stocked up on urinary incontinence pads (I hate admitting that, I’m 19 years old and get urinary incontinence when my leg goes! How embarrassing) but for now *TOUCH WOOD* the incontinence side is okay, I can still feel when I need to go to the toilet!

It’s not actually possible for me to be annoyed at the moment anyway, I’ve a friend and I’m literally sat here crying with laughter at the messages! Better not laugh too much, I might wet myself ;). Oh dear, sometimes you’ve just got to
laugh at yourself if it makes you feel better!

Overall, I’m quite a happy little bunny this evening despite circumstances. Tough things happen, that doesn’t mean that it has to prevent you from living your life to the best of your ability though. There is always a point and when you feel like giving up just remember that. There is ALWAYS a point and a reason (or several) to carry on.

Anyway, after seeing those damn good looking firemen earlier I’m off to the fire station just so I can see them again. *FAINTS WITH AMAZEMENT*

(PS that was a joke I'm not really, but OH MY LIFE I went weak at the knees. Hey maybe that’s what made my leg go hahahahaha).

Quote of the day

 “You are perfect exactly as you are. With all your flaws and problems.
There’s no need to change anything, all you need to change is the thought that you aren't good enough.”

Keeley xx

Diary 23rd Aug - Overcoming set backs

Been an okay-ish day.
Had a couple of setbacks and I’ve been stressed to the hilt but I haven’t let it get to me too much.
Just general stresses really! I received my final pay slip from my old workplace (I lost my job last Monday due to health reasons) and it just sort of hit me I guess.
I’m okay though, just got to keep on pushing forwards!

I was also supposed to be going out with my Mum and baby sister today but that didn’t happen in the end either so I’ve just been a little frustrated and wanting to get out of the house! No biggie though,
I’ll just sit and knit for the evening haha. Maybe draw, I’m not sure yet. May even do a little bit of everything!

Today I have kept myself distracted by cleaning the house and then generally taking some “me” time to sit and think about where I go from here with regards to not having a job.
I’ve made a few phone calls to people about having a form of income so we shall just have to see where it goes from here! I’m still looking for jobs but there aren’t any suitable ones at the moment.
I did love my job and was distraught when I lost it, it really did knock me back but then I realised that it was probably for the best at the time.
It’s motivated me to continue forward in my recovery and keep striving forwards.

I’ve also been looking at sports clubs that I could possibly join, I used to play netball for the school team and played with my local areas team for a year or two as well. I really miss it! So I’m hoping to get back in to that in the future, something to look forward to J!

Not much else to say on today really so I’ll leave it at that.

Quote for the day

 “You did not come this far to walk away without the victory”


Keeley xx

Diary 22nd Aug - One week and counting

Well, I had my appointment today for my weigh-in with the CPN. Except the CPN wasn’t there so my social worker did it which was a little easier. Anyway cut a long story short – I gained 1.3kg over 15 days. I hope it’s enough but I guess I won’t find out until next Wednesday when I see usual ED Nurse again but I’ll have gained again by then anyway if I continue to stick to my meal plan.

I know the majority of what I talk about is Anorexia related, but the reason is because that is something that I still struggle with and I guess I want to let you all know that no, things aren’t perfect but they are still a hell of a lot better than they were.
 It’s a big part of my life at the moment and I still have my struggles as much as the next person, however I am turning things around and slowly but surely becoming more energised and having a healthier mind set with regards to food/weight. It IS possible! So yeah, I got tearful and cried over my gain and my social worker said she saw a different side to me because I normally put on such a brave face that she didn’t expect to see me break. I’m okay now though, I actually feel more positive about things in a way!
 I left my appointment and went and had lunch in Nandos. Restrict because I gained? Naaaaah! I’m not gaining weight, I’m gaining life.

You may remember me mentioning yesterday about today being a week until the 3 year anniversary of the day I was raped. I’m not going to lie, I do feel a little apprehensive about it as the day is drawing nearer. As I said though, I am determined not to let it affect me how it has done the last couple of years.

Hold on, WAIT. I’ve just been told that the naturists in my local area have kicked up a fuss because they are no longer allowed to read in public libraries or hold their book club there because it’s “not an appropriate use of public buildings” however they did offer to bring a towel to sit on and robes to wear in case there is a fire alarm. I have nothing against naturism but I’m sorry I’m actually crying here! HAHAHA.

Anyway back to where I was (I can’t see I have tears in my eyes). Oh yeah, so almost 3 years!

Apprehension is kicking in but I have no thoughts of self harm/suicide/any way of hurting myself whatsoever. I may have a few tears on the day but that is just part of grievance, I’m not going to grieve over the incident though, just the part of me I felt like I had lost that night. Then I’ll be looking at how I’m gaining back the parts of me that I lost. Confidence, emotions, dignity and more, they are all being rebuilt again and I couldn’t be happier about that.
I’ve had the closure I need on that aspect of my life and things are looking up so much.
It gets easier, it gets better and life really does improve so much more! Now I have an urge to break in to song, sorry I can’t resist… “ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIIIIIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!” haha. Now, at the risk of sounding like a news reporter… That’s all from me for tonight folks! Back to you (sorry had to get that bit in there).

 Hope everybody has smiled over at least one thing today, your happiness and humour will come back I promise you.

Quote for the day

“It’s okay to be a glowstick, you gotta break before you shine!”


Keeley xx

Diary - 21st August A very long day

Long day today, well it’s felt like it but I have still been in quite a bit of pain. The joys of being a female! Didn't have my X-Ray in the end, 

It was rammed in there so I’m going back tomorrow. I’m really dreading tomorrow anyway though, I’m being weighed by a CPN that I don’t know.

Tomorrow it’ll be 1 week until the 3 year anniversary of being raped. 

It suddenly dawned on me that this will be the first year since it has happened that I won’t be in hospital! So it’ll be strange, but considering that thought hadn't even crossed my mind before I’m sure I am going to manage it fine.

I've just been thinking of some things that I could put in place to keep me distracted and occupied.

Although if I’m honest, it doesn't affect me half the way it used to! I no longer have flashbacks and haven’t self harmed since January and I have no intention of doing either of those things and letting them win once more!,

My past has taken so much of my life from me already and I’m so determined to make a proper go of things this time. 

This year I won’t be in hospital, I will manage without being self destructive and I WILL BE OKAY. 

It does get easier, it’s not really even making my stomach turn when I think about it being almost 3 years. It’s just a date, it’s nothing but a date it doesn't mean anything. 

We should learn to look back on positive memories/dates, not those that have torn us apart each day since the incident(s). 

This year I fully intend to look back on how much strength I have gained since the last anniversary of it.

How much I have moved on and how much more at peace I am with myself now than I was back then.

It IS possible!

Quote for the day 

 “Your past is just a story, and once you realize this - It has no power over you.”

Keeley xx