...

Getting annoyedddddd! I really want to go swimming or running or go and play tennis or something! Not even to burn calories, I just want to go and do a form of physical activity in an enjoyable way so when I am allowed to exercise properly again I will be able to feel that it IS possible to do it for enjoyment purposes and not for anorexic reasons. Even if it's just 30mins-1hour, I just want to do something! Sick of being in the house staring at the same four walls not being able to do anything. I genuinely do love physical sports, not even for eating disordered reasons. I just love the fun and freedom of it. There's not much to do around here though. I'd like to maybe go to the woods and park half an hour away and just hire the tennis court for a bit. Have fun, laugh, enjoyable physical activity! Argh, how annoying. One day when I'm fit and healthy I'll be able to do this without having 504309325329857395 on my case for it haha! 

I WANNA GO RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. I miss running. :( 

Update :)

Feeling SO much mentally better this morning! I woke up and smiled then got out of bed, instead of refusing to get out of bed and just crying for ages like I did yesterday. I think those tablets are on their way out of my system now, woooo! In such a fighting mood again now :). STUFF YOU MICRONOR, KEELEYS BACK! 

Random Update - LOL

LOL LOL LOL, I've had the hiccups for half an hour or so now. I tried to do a headstand and drink water and spilt the water all over myself. Then burst out laughing, hiccuped again and it came out of my nose. Gross, but HILARIOUS. :') Still have them, HICCUP. I'll stay away from the water for a bit!! 

Diary 6th Sept - Oh Dear

Oh dear indeed! That's the last time I ever take Micronor. I've always been quite sensitive to medication (except painkillers, always the flipping way) and one of the side effects of Micronor is depression. I thought I would give them a go regardless because I was in such a good place and as I have mentioned before I no longer show enough signs/symptoms to be classified under the DSM-IV as having Depression. Well, I'm pretty sure if I'd have had a psychiatric assessment today they'd have soon plastered me with that diagnosis again! 

Micronor is a hormonal contraceptive pill that works by blocking some of your hormones to prevent ovulation. I wasn't taking it for contraceptive purposes, they were prescribed for me purely because of the mess that my ovaries are in. So now I'm really sad, on top of the tablets making me really sad and down it suddenly dawned on me that there isn't much else that we can try before "whipping my ovaries out" because nothing else has worked. So I guess we'll find out after my scan next Thursday (12th September) IF there is anything else that can be done. Otherwise it's hasta la vista to my ovaries and all chances of having my own child. Although, if I'm completely honest, because of the state that my ovaries are in it makes intercourse EXTREMELY painful. I'm assuming it would anyway because all of the internal examinations and transvaginal probes for the Ultrasound Scans have resulted in me absolutely screaming with agony. Sorry to be graphic there! And when I was in a sexual relationship at a younger age it was painful then too. Oh the joys!

Anyway, regarding my mood - I'm starting to pick up a little again now. I just hope that they leave my system as fast as it took them to enter. I refuse to let myself be in that dark place again, the last couple of days when the hormonal tablets have kicked in properly have definitely reminded me of how terrible my darkest days were and how glad I am to be free of them. This is just a blip purely because of the medication, I seriously cannot WAIT to get them out of my system lol! Then I'll be fine and fighting and happy again. Well in all fairness I'm still relatively ok, just tearful and sensitive. 

Soooooo this is getting to be a rather long post so I'll stop there. I'm going to make sure tomorrow is a better day than today and I get back on track with food etc. There is always hope and every second of the day is a chance to turn things around.

Quote of the day is again, a picture! :) 

Keeley. xx

Diary 5th Sept - Sorting Things Out

Terrible mood swings today. That Micronor that I have been taking for the past two days has COMPLETELY messed with my hormones. I know I was warned it could cause Depression but oh my life this has been terrible. I'm not taking them again, I refuse to fall back into that dark place. 

I've been really really nervous about moving house, really scared. This was partially the reason behind my relapse with Anorexia. Well, today the skip came and it all got too much. I just burst out crying and was absolutely sobbing for ages. During my crying fit, the lady who owns the Residential Home that I emailed the other day enquiring about volunteering called me and asked me to pop in for a chat so I'm going to go tomorrow. I was so embarrassed that I was crying but I couldn't help myself! I think all of the emotions over the last week or so and the stress about my ovaries/possible Endometriosis just completely got to me. Probably due to my hormones being messed with due to that medication but I just went completely BLAH (best way to explain lol) over it all! I'm not too bad now though, keeping myself distracted in positive ways such as drawing, reading, writing this blog, filling out forms etc. 

I enrolled to do a Health Sciences degree today which I'm REALLY excited about. It's the science and physicality of cardiovascular disease, visual impairments, cancer and things like that. I've always found that sort of line of work really interesting so to be able to begin a degree in it via the Open University (so I can do it from home, YAY!) is such a fantastic opportunity. It will be a lot of hard work but (like all) - worth it in the end. 

Sorry this is such a late post by the way! 

Quote of the day = "Don't surrender to negativity."

Keeley. xx