Diary 11th Sept - Fighting Alone

I've pretty much came to the conclusion that I'm fighting alone again without the aid of professional input. I haven't heard from my social worker despite several calls and messages being left for her and I haven't heard from my ED nurse for 5 weeks either, again despite several calls and messages being left. Nobody has gotten back to me so I'll just keep plodding along by myself and doing what I can. I'm managing, I'm okay. I'm not going to lie and say everything is fantastic and I'm doing really well because it is a daily struggle. However it is a daily struggle that I can and will get through. It doesn't matter how you get through the day as long as you get through it. I'm not sure whether any of you remember one of my previous posts about getting through the days which you feel you can no longer endure but it is true. So far my success rate is 100% and I fully intend to keep it that way! I still have my support at home so that's something. It's just my chance to prove myself.

Recovery isn't easy, it's difficult but it will be worth it. There's a life out there for everybody and one that is well worth fighting through the dark days for. I've had my taster of it, I left hospital and got a job, began walking again, exercised healthily, enjoyed food without unbearable guilt. Then it crept back in a little which resulted in things going wrong. To be completely honest, I'm tired of the stigma of being "mentally unwell" and that alone is something I remind myself on my off days. I'm tired of the looks and the stares from random passers by, although I'm not entirely sure why on earth I get them as I look loads better than I did. I guess some people are just judgemental but hey that's there choice, I'm not recovering for the sake of anybody else I am doing it for me. People can say and think what they like, this is my life, my mindset, and I'm damn well fighting to get back to a sense of normality again. 

I have my Ultrasound tomorrow for the scan of my ovaries. I'm really nervous now as it's only 9 hours away (it's 23:36pm here in the UK at this very moment). I woke up this morning with a horrible pain in my groin and kind of felt something just "drop", now I have a nice big lump which has grown throughout the day and become extremely tender and sore. It's the same pain/pressure I get when the cysts in my ovaries burst but never have I had a great big lump like this one. I was going to go to the doctors but didn't really see the point as they would just tell me to wait and see what gets said during my Ultrasound tomorrow so that's what I'm going to do. I won't get the results straight away but they tell you anyway if there's cysts visible (which I already know there is because I had one not that long ago) and then they measure them on the screen and see how many there are. I'm just intrigued as to know what on earth that lump is and if it is a cyst, then how big it is! Mighty big one if it is another cyst, which is really nerve racking and quite upsetting to be honest because mine are IN my ovaries not ON them, so if that one bursts my ovary is going with it too. It's just one of those things I guess, there's nothing I can do about it I just have to wait and see what gets said tomorrow and what gets said when I get the results back so as hard as it is there's no point stressing over the unknown. In fact, more often than not the unknown is actually so much worse than actually knowing!  

So that's it from me this evening, I'll keep you all posted on how tomorrow goes :).

Quote of the day = "Life is a series of steps. Things are done gradually. Once in a while there is a giant step, but most of the time we are taking small, seemingly insignificant steps on the stairway of life."

Keeley. xx

Sorry

Sorry no post yesterday, this is how I feel and it's hurting to move AGAIN. Finally got my scan tomorrow, thank The Lord. 

Diary 9th Sept - Thoughts & Actions

Not a lot has really happened since I updated you all earlier. I've had impulsions but haven't acted on them. I've had compulsions and acted on SOME. My compulsions are just silly little things like tapping objects a certain number of times and keep tapping until it "feels okay." I can't really explain, I know it sounds silly but when I think about it it makes me shiver! I literally just shivered even just writing about them. AND AGAIN. Haha, right yeah I'll change the subject. 

My mood today has been fairly settled, although my anger issues seem to be cropping up a bit at the moment. I've spoke to professionals about it and they have said it's just because of my fear of change so I am extra sensitive at the moment and snappy. I can be fine and settled then someone will say the wrong thing or comment on whatever I do (seems to be the way recently) and I'll just snap at them. Then I get angry and shaky and just generally really frustrated. It does make my BPD play up too, and my OCD and also my Anorexia. They all kind of get hell bent on making me agitated. My BPD makes my mood just switch (again, this was settled but it's cropping up now because of the move), which then makes my OCD play up because I get anxious, which in turn makes my Anorexia play me up because I get the whole "If you don't eat it'll make everything better, you'll be in control" but that's really not the way it works. You think you're in control when really it's in control of you. However I am still eating enough to maintain, I calm down eventually without doing anything destructive and my OCD, well that's just compulsions and I often do them without realising. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I am working on the compulsions that I am aware that I have but others I don't even realise I do until somebody else points it out. Eventually I will work on the ones that I am less aware of, which will be difficult because if I'm not aware I'm doing them then how am I supposed to stop myself?! Oh well, cross that bridge when it comes to it I guess :). 

Quote of the day = "We are all strangers to our hidden potential until we confront problems that reveal our true capabilities." 

Keeley. xx

Sorry!

Apologies that there was no blog post yesterday/diary update, my WI-FI was down and 3G on my phone was going havoc and switching itself on and off as and when it wanted to so I left it in the end. 

The house is pretty much all in boxes and bags now, which is quite upsetting but I'm okay. Not long until we move now... Have to stay strong! Change and upheaval has always been a massive fear of mine as I like consistency, I get really stressed out when everything gets moved and packed and everything is everywhere. I think it just upsets me a little because I've lived my life out of bags and boxes for far too long now. Either through constant moving houses, moving out of places and into others, going into hospital and being transferred etc. I just want somewhere where I can finally settle! I thought I had found that here, but now we are moving from here to another place. 

I'm rambling on, I'm just sat in the lounge watching more boxes being packed. I don't want anything to do with the move or helping pack or anything. Not because I'm lazy, just because as I said - I hate things being in bags and boxes and everything everywhere and all over the place. 

I'm going to stop there but that's just a quick update for you. 

I got accepted onto the Health Sciences degree too! :) Something to look forward to. I begin in February. 

Keeley. xx

Diary 7th Sept - Decisions

Pretty tough decisions have been made today. In a nut shell, after several tears myself and **** have decided to put the weight restoration process on hold for a while. I have been getting extremely stressed out with having to gain weight but it going up and down then up a bit down more back up bla bla bla, then the issues with my ovaries/suspected Endometriosis. My weight constantly fluctuating through my panicking when I gain what I see as "too much" in one go causes me to then lose it all again plus more because it scares me how fast I can actually gain. Anyway, my weight doing that is causing my health to deteriorate further. So we have decided that I can control my diet (she's going to trust me to manage it myself) and I have to maintain at the best. If I gain, even better, but I'm not allowed to drop anymore because obviously further weight loss will cause more health problems. This needs to be ran by with my ED nurse of course, which to be honest she will probably laugh at the idea, but for now until I next see her that's how we are going to do things. I will also be getting spot weighed at home. I'm not giving up on recovery at all, I'm not giving up on the process of it. I just feel that putting it on hold even if it is just for a few days where I can maintain my weight will relieve some of the stress I am having from my health issues. It all built up a lot and it was dragging me down so we agreed for now to see how things go. I'm nervous of course as I could use it to my advantage and just lose weight and lie about everything. In the long run however that is only going to make things worse so I won't do that. I just need all of my scans and everything out of the way before I can fully focus on what else needs to be done. Please don't think I'm giving up and I've lost motivation because hand on heart that is NOT the reason at all. It is actually so I have more mental energy to focus on my health which needs to be sorted first and foremost. I'm still recovering, I will still continue to move forward in my recovery, I'm just going to maintain for a while and see how that goes in regards to helping my health. I'm a fighter, I'm a warrior & I'm a soldier, I will NOT be giving up :). 

None of the above will be affecting me supporting all of you out there though, not in the slightest! None of your struggles or anything you wish to talk about are a burden to me in the slightest. I love helping others, I just meant it all in regards to weight restoration and my health. Nothing else will be changing at all and I am still completely mentally strong enough to guide you all! That I promise you. 

Now I'm off to watch a film and snuggle up on the sofa with my blanket, nice relaxing evening!

Quote of the day = "a real person isn't perfect, and a perfect person isn't real."

Keeley. xx

Guide To Being Anorexic - A Parable (Not mine, but I wish someone had told me this before I developed Anorexia at aged 10)

Reprinted from Eating Disorders Recovery Today
Summer 2002 Volume 1, Number 2
©2002 Gürze Books

This is the story of Heather, a 13-year-old girl who wanted to become anorexic. Naturally being 17 and having dealt with it in my past, I was all too happy to lend her my advice. "Give me a day with her," I told Heather's mother, who was worried sick. She agreed.

"I hear you want to become anorexic," I said as we drove to my place. "Yeah, so what? Don't try to tell me all the bad things about it and how it will kill me and . . . "

"Oh no. You've got me all wrong. I'm here to welcome you into the club!" She looked at me with shock and amazement.

"What are you talking about?"

"I said I'm here to welcome you to the club. I was anorexic once. Now I just recruit new girls."

When we got to my place I gave her a pen and paper. "Now write down everything you enjoy and love in life." She looked at me blankly. "Go ahead." She did as I told her.

While she was writing, the phone rang. It was Shawna. She and Nikki were going out for pizza and wanted to know if I would come. I told them about Heather and that I wanted her to come, too. They said fine and I got ready to go.

"All done," she said.

"Let's see. You've got friends, family, and guys. Is that all? Let's put down life and your future too. Okay?" She nodded. "Now we're going out with some of my friends to eat pizza. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," she said smiling. I slipped the paper into my purse as we left for the pizza place.

When we arrived, Shawna and Nikki were waiting a a table with the pizza. We sat down and I reached for a slice. Heather also reached for one. "You can't do that remember? You're anorexic," I said to her pushing back her hand.

"But you're eating!" she exclaimed.

"That's beside the point. Anyway, I just recruit anorexics now, I'm not one."

"UH!" She slouched back in her chair. In a few minutes, five young teens walked in. They all seemed to recognize Heather and came over. "Hey!" she exclaimed.

"Are you Heather's friends?" I asked.

"Yeah. You wanna sit with us, Heather?" one of them asked. Heather started to get up but I held her arm.

"I'm sorry but she can't hang out with you," I said returning to my pizza.

"Why?" one of the others exclaimed.

"Because she's anorexic now and she can't have friends," I said.

"What are you talking about?" Heather shouted.

"No need to get upset. You may as well start out right. Anorexics don't have time for friends. Do they Nikki?"

"No, you didn't have time for us when you were anorexic," Nikki agreed.

"Sorry Heather, but anorexia is your only friend now. You want to stay thin don't you?" She lowered her head.

On the drive home I went very slowly. We passed a couple on a bridge kissing softly. "You see that Heather?"

"Yeah."

"Well, mark guys off your list. You won't have any now."

"Don't anorexics have boyfriends?"

"Some do. But they don't really have time for love. They're too busy thinking about their weight."

An old woman

Then we passed an old woman sitting on her front porch. "Look, Heather. At least you won't have to worry about being like that." I said.

"But she looks happy," Heather said.

"True but you won't be happy or old."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"You'll die before you're old enough to even have a future. Speaking of which, get that piece of paper out of my purse, will you?" She did as I asked. "Okay. Now take the pen in the dashboard and mark off friends, guys, life, and future." She looked up at me.

"All that's left is family!"

I looked at her. "Mark that off, too."

"WHAT!" She screamed.

"Well you can't expect to love them can you?" I said.

"I love my family, okay? And if you can't deal with that I don't care!" She began banging her fist into the door. By that time I had stopped in front of her house.

"But you won't have time for them."

"Don't tell me that because I will! I will have time and you know why? Because you're crazy! Being thin isn't worth all that!" She yelled as she got out of the car and slammed the door.

That's the story of how Heather found out about anorexia. (Not a true story but it's something I wish had happened to me before I became anorexic.)