Bit of a rough day today.
I didn’t get to sleep until 6:30am this morning and then ended up going to the doctors at 10:15 where they did some rather “intrusive” shall we say, examinations.
I have PCOS and am awaiting scans to see if that is still what is causing the problems but there is a high chance it is Endometriosis.
Have to see what the scan results show and then a possible referral and a laparoscopy if Endo is suspected.
I also have to go and have an x-ray of my chest tomorrow because of persistent pain and coughing up blood on the odd occasion. HAPPY DAYS ALL AROUND! Not. It does annoy me, doctors are constantly saying to me that my weight has caused all of these problems and if I was at a healthy weight and could maintain it for long enough without relapsing then my health problems wouldn’t be as much of an issue as they are now. Next time someone says that to me, I’m going to tell them to give my old GP surgery a telephone call and thank them on my behalf for telling me when I was 15 years old that “Your history of anorexia nervosa has caused your Polycystic Ovaries, Keeley. But a slight decrease in your weight may help”. Not to mention the “Your heart is eating away at itself, a little exercise might help”.
Can I just point out that the comment about my heart was made 2 weeks before I was admitted and it was excessive exercising that caused it?! & they were telling someone with an already low body weight that that a decrease in their weight may help?!
I’m glad I’m not with that surgery anymore, it still annoys me though.
The GP I saw today was fantastic though, considering the allocated time slot for each patient is 10minutes, my GP saw me for 45-50 minutes being thorough with everything.
When I was told that he needed to do an internal examination he was sympathetic of my background (doctors have it all on their files because of my inpatient admissions) and said that he would ask a female doctor to come in and do it because he didn’t want me to feel any more uncomfortable.
The internals aren’t exactly pleasant and with a background like mine, the last thing I wanted was to have a male doctor poking around.
Both he and the female doctor were fantastic and I am now being sent to a private hospital for my Ultrasound scans so I can get seen quicker and we can find out what really is going on.
Apart from that eventful morning, all I have done is sleep up until 4:27pm.
I’m ridiculously tired recently and it’s hurting to move around too much. It does frustrate me being sat on my bum all day though.
However I’m awake now and I’m looking into home courses in counselling.
I’ve always wanted to do something like that but when I was given the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder I was told I had no chance, that even if I trained and qualified it would be really difficult for me to get a job in the field.
There is a way around everything though and I’m not going to know unless I try!
Quote for the day
“Courage doesn’t always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying...
“I will try again tomorrow”...”
Keeley xx
Sunday, 1 September 2013
Diary 19th Aug - Knitting
I haven’t really done much today to be honest!
Nothing interesting anyway.
Cleaned the rabbit out, washed up, cooked tea, pretty boring everyday things. Sat on my bum and not done a lot of anything. Haven’t really felt very well today though, keep having dizzy spells and my lower back has been hurting.
I’ll be okay though, nothing a trip to the doctors won’t sort out! Story of my life recently haha, appointment after appointment after appointment.
At least things get sorted out this way though so I’m not complaining.
Might do some more drawing in a bit, I seem to have taken to doing this quite a bit recently. Also (laugh all you like) I’M KNITTING (yes KNITTING) a jumper.
I’m 19 years old and I knit. Check me out, lol! 19 going on 90…
Quote for the day
“Your worst days in recovery are better than your best days in relapse”
Keeley xx
Nothing interesting anyway.
Cleaned the rabbit out, washed up, cooked tea, pretty boring everyday things. Sat on my bum and not done a lot of anything. Haven’t really felt very well today though, keep having dizzy spells and my lower back has been hurting.
I’ll be okay though, nothing a trip to the doctors won’t sort out! Story of my life recently haha, appointment after appointment after appointment.
At least things get sorted out this way though so I’m not complaining.
Might do some more drawing in a bit, I seem to have taken to doing this quite a bit recently. Also (laugh all you like) I’M KNITTING (yes KNITTING) a jumper.
I’m 19 years old and I knit. Check me out, lol! 19 going on 90…
Quote for the day
“Your worst days in recovery are better than your best days in relapse”
Keeley xx
Diary 18th August - My wan2talk web page went live
WOW. That is the one word I have to say about these past few days!
Yesterday my page went up on Wan2Talk and I am SO happy about this! I hope that sharing my story and my inner most demons that I battle each day will inspire others to do the same.
So, today…
I woke up in a pretty foul mood. I literally woke up, turned over, went “NOPE!” and rolled back over again.
I ended up getting up anyway because I needed to have breakfast and start my day then go food shopping.
Breakfast was a rush because we had to take *** daughter to a cheer-leading performance.
I did find this quite difficult as it still upsets me seeing so many people able to exercise as/when they want when all I am allowed to do is walk (and not a lot of it). However I pushed past those thoughts and the guilt that I had and carried on with the day.
It went pretty smoothly up until tea when it was decided that we were going for an Indian meal at a local restaurant.
I got really worked up about it and completely panicked.
BUT I DID IT!
We went out for the meal and I was very nervous and scared.
Guilt was overwhelming me but I DID IT. I even took a funny photo and sent it to Sharon to brighten my mood. It worked, it was hilarious.
The meal was cooked in low fat oil which made the guilt lessen. It may sound silly to some people as it is “only eating out” but for me this was a huge deal.
I am on weight restoration at the moment so, I don’t know, I just, MEH (lol). I ate it all though, and you know what?! I AM SO DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF!
I panicked, I got tearful, but I sat and I did it. “Feel the fear and do it anyway!” I really have surprised myself in a good way. I’m really happy that I managed it without letting Anorexia ruin my evening.
Anyway, I’m off to highlight my hair (my roots are terrible) to distract myself and make me feel better.
Quote for the day
“Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day”
Keeley. xx
Yesterday my page went up on Wan2Talk and I am SO happy about this! I hope that sharing my story and my inner most demons that I battle each day will inspire others to do the same.
So, today…
I woke up in a pretty foul mood. I literally woke up, turned over, went “NOPE!” and rolled back over again.
I ended up getting up anyway because I needed to have breakfast and start my day then go food shopping.
Breakfast was a rush because we had to take *** daughter to a cheer-leading performance.
I did find this quite difficult as it still upsets me seeing so many people able to exercise as/when they want when all I am allowed to do is walk (and not a lot of it). However I pushed past those thoughts and the guilt that I had and carried on with the day.
It went pretty smoothly up until tea when it was decided that we were going for an Indian meal at a local restaurant.
I got really worked up about it and completely panicked.
BUT I DID IT!
We went out for the meal and I was very nervous and scared.
Guilt was overwhelming me but I DID IT. I even took a funny photo and sent it to Sharon to brighten my mood. It worked, it was hilarious.
The meal was cooked in low fat oil which made the guilt lessen. It may sound silly to some people as it is “only eating out” but for me this was a huge deal.
I am on weight restoration at the moment so, I don’t know, I just, MEH (lol). I ate it all though, and you know what?! I AM SO DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF!
I panicked, I got tearful, but I sat and I did it. “Feel the fear and do it anyway!” I really have surprised myself in a good way. I’m really happy that I managed it without letting Anorexia ruin my evening.
Anyway, I’m off to highlight my hair (my roots are terrible) to distract myself and make me feel better.
Quote for the day
“Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day”
Keeley. xx
Diary 17th August - A Chat with Sharon from wan2talk
Today is the day I spoke to Sharon for wan2talk about the process of writing everything down, this is the article that Sharon put on the wan2talk website
A chat with Keeley about "Writing it out"
Well guys as you know we now have a young Ambassador for wan2talk , which is just amazing,
I have been chatting with Keeley over the past couple of days and I have to say she is such an amazing lady.
Our aim with Keeleys help is to show you how you can help yourself move on from events in life that have emotionally, mentally and physically stopped you from being you. Carol and I will say its not easy but its totally worth it.
You will see that I mentioned on the " will writing help?" page that Carol and I both wrote our life changing events down on paper, Carol published a book and I, well..... I burnt mine... sounds daft but actually it was a great emotional release,
We asked Keeley to do the same, after i asked Keeley how she felt, this was the response I received by text......
"I felt quite strange really.
As I was writing it out I was reliving the emotions and the hurt, to the point where I was questioning whether I should continue writing it out or not. But it was as if my brain just wouldn't let me.
I had a break in the garden and came back inside then carried on.
I felt the pain, the anger and the hurt again as I wrote each little experience but then as I completed each section I felt as if I had put closure on it too.
By the end of it I felt all the tension in my body just deflate and I just sat and smiled to myself. All the emotions had passed and I was peaceful and content which is something I haven't experienced in so long.
I found it really beneficial getting it all out and am really happy that I did it. I feel like that was my closure on so many things that I can now continue to move forward from.
It's amazing how much it really did help, now I just hope it helps others do the same! Xxxxx"
As you can see Keeley did not know that she would experience any emotions whilst she was writing but its the trigger or call it the 1st step to letting go and moving forward.
Keeley is going to keep a diary on the wan2talk website so you can see the effects of "writing it out" and how it will help her achieve her goals and help you do the same- in Keeleys own words - "Your Never Alone"
We can not thank Keeley enough for letting us all look through the window of her life as so much is very personal and private.
THANK YOU KEELEY
A chat with Keeley about "Writing it out"
Well guys as you know we now have a young Ambassador for wan2talk , which is just amazing,
I have been chatting with Keeley over the past couple of days and I have to say she is such an amazing lady.
Our aim with Keeleys help is to show you how you can help yourself move on from events in life that have emotionally, mentally and physically stopped you from being you. Carol and I will say its not easy but its totally worth it.
You will see that I mentioned on the " will writing help?" page that Carol and I both wrote our life changing events down on paper, Carol published a book and I, well..... I burnt mine... sounds daft but actually it was a great emotional release,
We asked Keeley to do the same, after i asked Keeley how she felt, this was the response I received by text......
"I felt quite strange really.
As I was writing it out I was reliving the emotions and the hurt, to the point where I was questioning whether I should continue writing it out or not. But it was as if my brain just wouldn't let me.
I had a break in the garden and came back inside then carried on.
I felt the pain, the anger and the hurt again as I wrote each little experience but then as I completed each section I felt as if I had put closure on it too.
By the end of it I felt all the tension in my body just deflate and I just sat and smiled to myself. All the emotions had passed and I was peaceful and content which is something I haven't experienced in so long.
I found it really beneficial getting it all out and am really happy that I did it. I feel like that was my closure on so many things that I can now continue to move forward from.
It's amazing how much it really did help, now I just hope it helps others do the same! Xxxxx"
As you can see Keeley did not know that she would experience any emotions whilst she was writing but its the trigger or call it the 1st step to letting go and moving forward.
Keeley is going to keep a diary on the wan2talk website so you can see the effects of "writing it out" and how it will help her achieve her goals and help you do the same- in Keeleys own words - "Your Never Alone"
We can not thank Keeley enough for letting us all look through the window of her life as so much is very personal and private.
THANK YOU KEELEY
What is "wan2talk"?
Wan2Talk is a web based organisation set up for people who have experienced violent crimes such as Rape, abuse either mental, physical or sexual.
We know through personal experiences that writing about the events in life help us to move on and we want to help others to do the same.This website is 'A Voice for Victims'. Made for survivors to express themselves be it anonymously or otherwise, while gaining the strength and courage to move on positively.
We will try to encourage them to take the right path and give them any contacts or relevant information we can.
Most, if not all victims don’t want to talk about what has happened to them, they experience a huge array of emotions and don’t know how to cope on a day to day basis making them feel very alienated and alone,
Family's and friends who know someone who has confided in them also need someone to talk to, most don't know how to cope with the details they have been given, they sometimes blame themselves and most commonly they don't know what to say. We are here for you as well.
The society in which we live in has a guarded attitude to such subjects that are not easily talked about and often felt that they are best dealt with in private,
Yet if you care to look closely it’s become as familiar as the daily horoscope, it’s in the papers almost everyday!
It is our aim to let those in the darkest of places know, that we are here, we are non judgemental and they can let their fears and emotions out.
Let me introduce myself to you:
My Name is Keeley, and over the next few months you are going to get to know me.... all about me, and hopefully by doing so...... I will help you to get to know yourself, your weaknesses and your strengths:
Over the years I have managed to pick up 5 diagnoses through my hospital admissions. Depression, Anorexia, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
HOWEVER, after completely opening up about being raped to the wonderful Carol, Dominique & Sharon and having their support over the years I have found a new lease on life and talking was the best thing I ever did. I can honestly now, hand on heart say that I have moved on from that aspect of my life and I am mentally strong enough to help others to do the same.
I had a psychiatric assessment 3 weeks ago and I managed to lose two of my diagnoses thanks to these wonderful ladies and my support at home!
I no longer show enough signs/symptoms to be classified under the DSM-IV as having Depression or PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder). They were my first diagnoses and the first to go, it may well be ten years later but I still am so pleased, hopefully I can drop the others in the future too!
I am so happy to have finally recovered from them. I no longer have flashbacks, I no longer want to end my life and I can actually be sociable now and not shut myself away from everybody. If I hadn’t have spoken to these 3 ladies I don’t think I would have ever recovered from those mental illnesses. Don’t get me wrong, a scent can still make me shiver, a sudden movement or loud noise will still make me jump, I still get sad and upset, but by no means does it affect me half the way it used to. I am happy, and I am proud, to finally be able to say that domestic violence and rape didn’t ruin me, it MADE ME.
I have never felt as strong as the person I am now in the entirety of my life. My home life is settled and happy, I am settled and happy, I have regular therapy for my Anorexia and weigh-ins to check on my progress and I am awaiting a letter from psychology to discuss therapy for my OCD. I’ve hit rock bottom and I bounced back up, I started falling again and I was lifted back up. Talking about things really did save me and it can for you too.
You may feel worthless, ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted but I am telling you now, you are NONE of those things. It takes time and it’s not easy, but I promise you it is worth it. After all – you are still alive, you are here, you made it and you are beautiful. You are already half way there.
Saturday, 31 August 2013
Hey!
Not entirely sure how to use this to be honest, but I'm looking forward to getting used to it and posting photos and writing about things on here. AH I'M SO EXCITED I get to play with fonts and all sorts! I feel like an excited child in a sweet shop!
Here, have a super cute picture whilst I figure this thing out :)
Here, have a super cute picture whilst I figure this thing out :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)