This really made me laugh so I thought I would share it!

Diary 13th Oct - Happy

Happy happy happy these days :). I spent last night at my girlfriends at her brothers birthday party which was ace. Her family are like a family to me too which is really lovely. I had a really good night to be honest! 

A bit of a change in myself I've noted over the last few days - whenever people used to say "how have you been doing?" I would always feel ashamed to say I was doing well because I felt like a failure of an anorexic. The last few days I have told people how well I have been doing and felt no shame in doing so whatsoever, I actually feel really proud to say it now! At the end of the day, if you're not fighting anorexia you're dying from it. Out of all mental illnesses Anorexia Nervosa has the highest mortality rate of all. I didn't used to care if I fell into the statistics of those that died from it, in fact in some very sickening way I used to actually want to. So I felt I was actually good at something and I did it properly and saw it through to the very end. Now my mental state and mindset is a lot more healthy than it was I can actually see how wrong I was to think that way. Why would I want to fall into those statistics? Yeah, I would have "done something right" but how can you do something that ISN'T right, properly and right? I'm not sure if that makes sense, it makes sense in my head anyway. I don't want to die anymore and I certainly do not want to be known as "the anorexic one that died from it". I want to be known as "the one who fought damn hard to build a new life and succeeded." I want to inspire people, I aspire to inspire, I know it sounds cliche and you've probably heard it or read it somewhere thousands of times over but I do just want someone to say to me one day that it is because of me they didn't give up. It is hard because if you are strong all of the time then not many people really ask if you are okay, especially if the battle in your mind continues but your physical actions/behaviours don't express the turmoil in your mind, at the end of the day though I don't particularly want attention drawn to it and it is down to me and me only to recover. You can have as many professionals as you like to support you but if you don't want to do it you won't, ultimately it is YOU that it has to come from. You have to want to recover, you have to want to live and you have to want to be happy. Yes I still battle in my head over food and I still have my mood swings due to BPD, however I am now nourishing my body and not starving it. Making it up and apologising to it for the continuous years of starvation and malnourishment. My moods are a lot more stable now and I fully intend on trying my best to not let myself slip again. It is difficult, and there will be days when you just want to curl in a ball in a dark room, sleep and never wake up again. On those days you have to remember that it is just a bad day, not a bad life. Happiness and hope IS achievable and IS maintainable. I have found that out for myself over the last couple of weeks and I could not be more content right now.

Every single one of you deserve to be happy and deserve to live a happy, fulfilled life. You may not feel like you deserve to and hold a lot of self blame for things you have witnessed or been a victim of. But you DO. Every single one of you. Whether you are male or female, homosexual or heterosexual, whatever your race, you are all worthy and deserving of a happy life. It's never too late to turn things around and begin. So start now, GO. <3 

Quote of the day = "You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just have to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens."

Keeley. xx

Update - Happiness, Appointments and Hope

Hello! Sorry for being AWOL recently, I've been ran off of my feet with lots of things but I do always check my emails to see if anybody has contacted me. 

To be honest, I'm not even entirely sure where to start. Things have been, well, GREAT! Recovery is going absolutely fantastic, I've met someone very special (explained later on) and I had my Gynaecology appointment on Tuesday then Ophthalmology yesterday. 

It all kind of falls together to be honest, with the "someone very special" and the appointments and recovery being great right now. 

I think I'll start this way... Many people who have been a victim of abuse tend to question their sexuality at some point or another. Whether they question it before, during, or after, I do know of a lot of people that have found themselves more attracted to the same sex. I for one, tried to convince myself that I was interested in males because I felt it was more "normal" and I was scared I was going to let people down. After having so many hospital admissions and diagnoses and driving everybody crazy with it all I didn't want to add to it. Over the last week or two however I have thought about it quite a lot. I began talking more to a girl that I was in hospital with. Before you stop me right there and think "oh dear, that's going to go wrong" actually, it's never been more right. We both have Anorexia and BPD, we are using that to drag each other up and not down. As we said in discussion the other day, my weaknesses are her strengths and my strengths are her weaknesses at the moment. I have been struggling with my eating quite a bit before meeting up with *****, she was struggling with her moods. Since meeting up a lot my eating has got SO much better (I even went to pizza express yesterday, Pizza = MASSIVE fear food, worst fear food I have/had, and ate it in the restaurant too!) and her moods have settled a lot. We are both really quite content at the moment and using our own strengths and weaknesses to build up the other. I told the three people that I live with and my Dad and his girlfriend about my sexuality on Tuesday. Nobody batted an eyelid to it! I was so scared, I was dreading it I actually felt sick. The response was actually amazing, all of them said that they had their suspicions anyway (LOL) and that it doesn't matter who I am attracted to because they have never seen me as happy as I am now. To be honest, actually being open about my sexuality has made me a lot more happy as a person in general because I no longer feel like I am trying to be somebody that I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate when a male is good looking but I just don't see them in a relationship type way. I have known for a fair few years but chose not to tell people because of fear of being rejected, abandoned and judged. I can honestly say that now people know I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally be myself. I don't mean I'm running around shouting about the fact I like girls, I just feel more myself within myself if that makes sense? Maybe I didn't have to tell you how it all came about and I didn't need to share this with all of you but as I mentioned at the beginning, I do know of a lot of people who find themselves hiding who they are as a person and questioning their sexuality but refusing to face up to it and allow themselves happiness for fear of being judged. Believe me, I thought my family would go absolutely berserk about it but nobody really said a thing and haven't said anything since. It's been completely normal, yet I feel so much 'lighter' - so to speak - as a person. I'm no longer battling in my head as much as I was, I am happy. Some people may think being gay isn't normal but in my opinion (everybody has their own) I don't think it matters who or what you are attracted to as long as you are happy. So if anybody else out there is questioning anything like that themselves, or feeling like they don't know their identity, that is what happened with me and I am the happiest I have ever been. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. <3

My Gynaecology appointment went quite well but it did completely knock me off my feet for a couple of days, I got quite ill after it. ***** offered to come with me (this meant the world to me, she even cried because she said she didn't like seeing someone she cares so much about in so much pain) and so she stayed at my house the evening before and we got the bus in the morning. As we got in to the hospital I was taken into another room to have my blood pressure, pulse and temperature done. Then they turned around and said "right just your height and weight now then!" I'm not going to lie I did have a bit of a panic because I had drank loads of coffee to wake me up and hadn't been to the toilet at that point. Apparently I went "red like a lobster" haha. I just asked them if I could tell them my height and weight because I was still a bit weird about getting on other peoples scales and things like that. They were absolutely lovely about it, I was shaking I got myself in such a panic but the nurses were fantastic and reassured me that it was completely okay and they would just write down what I had told them. We then waited in the waiting room to be called through. When I went in there was the consultant, a medical student and a female nurse too. I was okay with that, I didn't think they were going to be doing any examinations or anything and it would just be a conversation. The consultant spoke to me about endometriosis, ordered blood tests to rule out Celiac and decided that a Laparoscopy is needed. They did a speculum examination which was absolutely horrible, degrading and painful. Thinking about it now is making me cringe. I came out of that appointment in that much pain that when I sat outside for a bit I ended up sat on the floor and could barely lift myself back up again. Then when I did I ended up back in the hospital vomiting. Then we came back from my appointment after stopping off for a Subway for lunch, got into bed and went to sleep for a few hours. That's what I did on Wednesday too, slept and slept and slept. Hot water bottles are a winner in these cases haha! I received a letter yesterday to say I have another appointment with my consultant on 5th November which is where they will set the date for my Laparoscopy. I am still really scared about it. My consultant told me that because I am underweight I am of a high increased risk of the instruments they use perforating my bowel and leaking into my blood vessels. My eating is okay now though, I still struggle with thoughts but my actions and attitude are ace! I've even stopped counting calories and weighing everything out. I do know the calories of most things anyway due to having had an eating disorder for so long but I am now mentally strong enough to push past that and just have what my body is telling me that I want and not what my anorexia is telling me is "safe". Yes I am still underweight but I am slowly making physical progress. Mental progress is great and my physical progress is slowly increasing too. I'm gaining life not weight! 

Also had Ophthalmology yesterday which to be honest was pointless. They did more tests with my eyes and didn't say anything different to what I already knew. In a nutshell, my eyes are buggered and nobody knows why. They are going to send their reports off to the consultant and his secretary and see if I need another appointment or further investigations. I don't really want another of those appointments anyway, they leave me feeling worse off than when I went in! Oh the irony, hahaha.

Soooooo that's me at the moment! Happy, hopeful and finally feeling a sense of freedom. Apart from feeling like I've got a golf ball in my mouth anyway, my wisdom tooth has became infected AGAIN but that's okay. Med students dream! Apart from that, it's all gravy baby, it's all good in the hood. I'm now off to go and sort out my chest of drawers and bed side table as they came yesterday but need to be filled :).

Quote of the day = "People can change. They just don't because it's easier not to. We're always waiting for our lives to begin, like figuring we'll be someone else someday. But what are we waiting for? All we have is now. Don't run from this."

Keeley. xx

:)

I haven't felt very well at all for a couple of days in regards to pain and I'm very drained and exhausted right now. Here are some photos with quotes :) 

Keeley. xx

Diary 4th Oct - Happy Days

I'm actually quite happy and content recently. Things are still a bit strange in the new house and it is taking a lot of adjustment but it's okay.

I went out today with a friend of mine who I hadn't seen since March when I left hospital. It was such a lovely day. We went around Birmingham for a while. I ate a yum yum in the middle of Birmingham in public whilst stood in the town centre, again this is something I never thought I was capable of actually doing.

 

The friend I was with is recovering from Anorexia too and is doing fantastically well, she's really inspired me to move forwards and fight. I did have a bit of a revelation in the bath this morning, I was washing my back and thought 'I really don't like how bony my back is' which was a pretty big deal for me. I also walked past a window and mirrors and stuff and saw my legs for how they really are and not what I normally perceive them to look like. Another achievement. I'm not meaning to blow my own trumpet or anything but I really feel like I am thriving in recovery right now and going from strength to strength. I even had margarine on my toast this morning, willingly/voluntarily, for the first time in at least 5 years! 

I'm seeing my friend again tomorrow, she is coming to my house and we are just going to sit and chill out and just watch films and stuff together. She makes me really happy and comfortable :). 

I'm actually on the train on the way home at the moment so thought I would update now whilst it's still relatively early and not like 12pm or anything! The train smells funny though, like alcohol and sweat. It's pretty gross haha! Anyway my stop is coming now so I'll be offffff. I'll update again tomorrow!

Quote of the day - "The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present." 

Lots of love, Keeley. xx

Diary 2nd Oct - OH MY LIFE MASSIVE HUGE ACHIEVEMENT YAAAAAAAAAAY

OH MY LIFE OH MY LIFE OH MY LIFE I JUST DID SOMETHING I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS THOUGHT I WOULD EVER DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

In the whole 9 (coming up for 10) years of a life with anorexia I would have never imagined I would do this. I JUST KICKED ANOREXIAS BACK SIDE THE BEST I EVER HAVE!

I had tea at 8pm (something I would NEVER do before because I have rules around eating times), I cooked it myself, I didn't weigh everything out (only the chicken and the pasta, I didn't weigh the Philadelphia or the vegetables), I went for the higher calorie philadelphia because it was the one that I wanted, NOT what anorexia wanted me to have, I cooked it without supervision, a perfectly acceptable 600 calorie meal AND ATE IT WITHOUT ANYBODY WATCHING ME AND I ATE IT ALL AND I COOKED IT MYSELF AND NOBODY WAS WITH ME AND I DIDN'T RESTRICT I FLIPPING WELL DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I can't even like express how I feel right now, this will do....

SKLJGKJSHKJSDLGHIUSDFHGVIJHJERAFJPDHJEARIDGHSTKJRLFGHXJTRFGIJERUTFG;TRHDKJLVKTJRLGHKERUTFHGITRHJGLKFEJRTHRFOKJTHOGBIJRFBJ YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY KISS MY BUM ANOREXIA YOU'VE JUST GONE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

YAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I'm like sat here CRYING with PRIDE. I'm PROUD OF MYSELF. I'M ACTUALLY GENUINELY REALLY FLIPPING PROUD OF MYSELF. STUFF YOU ANOREXIA, THIS GIRL IS GOING TO RECOVER AND KICK YOUR SKINNY BACK SIDE OUT OF HER LIFE! 

Quote of the day = "Anything is possible!"

Keeley. Xx

Bigggggggg update - I'M BACK!

I've said it twice already, once on here and once on www.wan2talk.co.uk but I'll say it again because I'm excited. I'M BACK! Oh my life it feels good! 

First of all and most importantly I would like to say a huge congratulations to Joe for completing the half marathon in 2 hours and 10 minutes. It's such a huge achievement and I now both myself and all others are immensely proud! I was pretty gutted about not being able to make it to the event due to all of this moving business but to find out how it went and the excitement about it really made me smile. Again, WELL DONE JOE!

Right, so I'm not actually entirely sure where to start... The removal van came yesterday at 8:55am and packed all the stuff into the back of the van and moved it all into the new place where I am now. I can't call this "home" yet because I don't feel entirely comfortable at the moment if I'm honest. I tend to take quite a while to actually settle and feel stable in places. 

I have a couple of confessions. An old friend visited whilst I was in the other house and he got a bit too "touchy feely" for my liking. It gave me a bit of a setback and I did unfortunately self harm. I'm not proud that I did that, I just don't see the point in lying to all of you and pretending everything is absolutely fantastic and life is great because in reality we all have slip ups sometimes. When it is a coping strategy you have used for a long period of time in situations like those it was just an impulsive reaction for me to do it as I used to do it a lot. However I did sit there afterwards and just stare at it, wondering why on earth I did it. I let someone win, again. They made my body feel horrid and then I went and hurt it some more. My body deserves love and affection, to be healthy and to be treated with respect. After all, it's the only one I'm ever going to get. You can change your body as much as you like but you can never actually leave it so you may as well keep it and respect it, love it. So yeah, that's my one incident which lead to a setback but it's an incident I have now put behind me and cut of all contact with the person involved. No more self harm for me, I'm so done with all that. 

Second confession. Another incident that left me feeling really on edge was actually yesterday morning just before we moved. I woke up, realised it was Monday and completely lost my mind. I got angry like never before and I just started kicking and punching everything in sight. I can't really remember the last time I got myself that worked up but it wasn't pleasant. I'm not justifying my actions in any way but I do feel like that was my "typical borderline reaction" to a change and lack of stability. However I refuse to justify my actions by blaming them on one of my diagnoses because at the end of the day I am still a person and I am fully capable of taking control of myself. So yeah, I sat on the bed at one point and punched the wall and then absolutely booted it so hard the room shook. **** came running back in at that point and threw me backwards and held me there to stop myself from hurting myself and calm me down. It just scared the absolute hell of me, being thrown across a bed was definitely not something I ever wanted to experience again. I know it wasn't meant in an aggressive way or for reasons that initially flew through my mind, it just really scared me and I screamed at her to get off me and told her I hated her. To be honest it wasn't until writing this out just that I actually realised it was to stop me from hurting myself or breaking anything else and there was no ulterior motives behind it. I genuinely thought she was going to hit me yet the being threw backwards across the bed made me think it was something else. Not from her, it was more just the feeling, I don't know I really can't explain it. To be honest it just numbed my emotions, I didn't know and still don't know how I feel about that. I've just gone numb. I know it was to stop me from hurting myself any more but I can't quite get my head around it and allow my emotions to accept that. If that even makes sense at all? 

So there are the two incidents. Apart from that it's not been too bad. It has been stressful but every move is to be honest, I just didn't cope with it very well at all. I'm here now though, in my new bedroom which I'm arranging so I feel comfortable and safe. My new bed is beautiful, I love it so much! I've kept the same mattress and bed itself but I have new duvet sets and a nice heavy blanket (I like heavy blankets they make me feel like I'm being cuddled haha) and all pretty pillows and cushions and things. I've just assembled my wardrobe in between writing this out as well but now I'm free for the evening I'll just pop bits here and there. My bedside table and chest of drawers aren't coming until the 10th-12th October though so there's not much I can put in here yet. I'll do what I can though! 

Overall things are pretty hectic and stressful all round but once the house is actually cleared and boxes are emptied things will settle. It is a nice house to be honest, it's just the change I don't like. However I am still trying hard and still managing okay. Well I must be okay, I still haven't had a cigarette and normally I would have dived straight for them lol! 8 days today and I still haven't had one, that's actually a pretty good achievement and I'm quite proud of myself. 

I'll update more tomorrow, I'll be on daily again now :).

Quote of the day = "Be strong enough to let go, and patient enough to wait for what you deserve"

Keeley. xx