This really made me laugh so I thought I would share it!

Diary 13th Oct - Happy

Happy happy happy these days :). I spent last night at my girlfriends at her brothers birthday party which was ace. Her family are like a family to me too which is really lovely. I had a really good night to be honest! 

A bit of a change in myself I've noted over the last few days - whenever people used to say "how have you been doing?" I would always feel ashamed to say I was doing well because I felt like a failure of an anorexic. The last few days I have told people how well I have been doing and felt no shame in doing so whatsoever, I actually feel really proud to say it now! At the end of the day, if you're not fighting anorexia you're dying from it. Out of all mental illnesses Anorexia Nervosa has the highest mortality rate of all. I didn't used to care if I fell into the statistics of those that died from it, in fact in some very sickening way I used to actually want to. So I felt I was actually good at something and I did it properly and saw it through to the very end. Now my mental state and mindset is a lot more healthy than it was I can actually see how wrong I was to think that way. Why would I want to fall into those statistics? Yeah, I would have "done something right" but how can you do something that ISN'T right, properly and right? I'm not sure if that makes sense, it makes sense in my head anyway. I don't want to die anymore and I certainly do not want to be known as "the anorexic one that died from it". I want to be known as "the one who fought damn hard to build a new life and succeeded." I want to inspire people, I aspire to inspire, I know it sounds cliche and you've probably heard it or read it somewhere thousands of times over but I do just want someone to say to me one day that it is because of me they didn't give up. It is hard because if you are strong all of the time then not many people really ask if you are okay, especially if the battle in your mind continues but your physical actions/behaviours don't express the turmoil in your mind, at the end of the day though I don't particularly want attention drawn to it and it is down to me and me only to recover. You can have as many professionals as you like to support you but if you don't want to do it you won't, ultimately it is YOU that it has to come from. You have to want to recover, you have to want to live and you have to want to be happy. Yes I still battle in my head over food and I still have my mood swings due to BPD, however I am now nourishing my body and not starving it. Making it up and apologising to it for the continuous years of starvation and malnourishment. My moods are a lot more stable now and I fully intend on trying my best to not let myself slip again. It is difficult, and there will be days when you just want to curl in a ball in a dark room, sleep and never wake up again. On those days you have to remember that it is just a bad day, not a bad life. Happiness and hope IS achievable and IS maintainable. I have found that out for myself over the last couple of weeks and I could not be more content right now.

Every single one of you deserve to be happy and deserve to live a happy, fulfilled life. You may not feel like you deserve to and hold a lot of self blame for things you have witnessed or been a victim of. But you DO. Every single one of you. Whether you are male or female, homosexual or heterosexual, whatever your race, you are all worthy and deserving of a happy life. It's never too late to turn things around and begin. So start now, GO. <3 

Quote of the day = "You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just have to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens."

Keeley. xx